Reflex

Last night, I was checking out my ex's Friendster page, just to see how he was, and if there was anything new.

There wasn't much...just a few birthday greetings and stuff (from some people i knew, and didn't).

And...I found out that he had taken down the album of me that he had.

It was always set on private, so nobody would have seen it anyway unless they asked.

So...he had moved on.

My reflex reaction?

I cried a little.

And deleted him from my Friendster list and set my profile to private.

It's about time I moved on too.

Valentines' Eve

Valentines’ Day, 2007.
12:06 AM

I remember flitting about my apartment, multi-tasking. I was getting some cleaning done, fixing up my room, studying pathology, while typing up a paper I needed to hand in in a few days. I was also texting B. (my then-boyfriend). It was his birthday, and he was also staying up late to finish packing up. He was going home to Iloilo (where I studied that time) for his birthday.

“Happy Birthday, B. I love you.” I typed.

He replied with a message that had me chuckling. (For purposes of keeping identities a secret, I’d rather not put it here.:-p)

I remember being excited and very happy that time. He was coming all the way from Manila to spend Valentines Day (and his birthday) with me…my heart leapt at the prospect of being with him again, even if only for a few days.

Before him, I never was a believer in the “magic” of Valentines’ Day…it was always just some overly-hyped celebration where everyone fell under the spell of imposed commercialism…well, most of the time, anyway. (I didn’t really have anyone I was so totally in love with then, of course, so I couldn’t relate.)

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Valentines Day eve 2009
12:10 AM

And now, on this morning, an hour past twelve, this eve of Valentines’ day, I sit quietly in my chair barefoot, with my chin resting on one propped-up knee, comfortable in my blue flannel pyjamas and a white t-shirt softened with use.

He gave me this t-shirt two years ago, when I sent him off after the week that he was in Iloilo. It was sort of a private joke…that we’d trade shirts that we used so that the smell would still be there. His essence was a good, clean, comforting smell that never failed to lift my spirits.

Oh, but how lovelorn I sound!

Everything good that matters has some way of going wrong, hitting a necessary obstacle in the racetrack of life that drives two people to make certain decisions as to how things will go along eventually.

(In short, we broke up, and I admit, up to now, I’m still a little broken up over it. Just a little now, not so much as before.)

But while it lasted, it was certainly the most humbling experience I ever had…in that it was sheer joy, immense sadness, a lot of learning and definitely a lot of growing up. It was a rollercoaster of life experience that I wouldn’t be likely to forget right away. It would be an experience for keeps…something I’d lovingly keep in my baul of memories, something I’d be proud to share. He and I didn’t always agree, but he loved me for me, and that meant a lot. It gave me strength. So instead of feeling hurt and being bitter…I really should learn to take it all as part and parcel of life, and think of myself lucky to have been loved by someone very special, and to have loved him back.

So, I guess in the end, I really have to say...

Happy Birthday B. Thank you.

Valentino

“Could I be your Valentino?”

So went a text message I got on my phone a few minutes ago…

I stopped for a minute, and thought about the prospect of going on a date for Valentines’ Day…without thinking about it. Just for the heck of it. :-p

He also asked if he could “apply” for the job of asking me out. (I found the term funny, you know. Funny, and quaint.)

I told him that I was flattered that he asked and but that I had to say no, I wasn’t going out on a date for Valentines’ Day because I had already made plans. (I was going to Antulang for the weekend with my family. They had “gotten to me” first, and frankly, I’m a bit relieved with having the chance to slip away unnoticed on this day of hearts, which can sometimes be so overrated.)

The attention is very flattering, of course. It almost makes me want to strut around like a peacock, because, as a Leo, I love to preen... Appealing to my ego almost always works. (haha.) It is always good for a girl to feel desirable at one point or another.

But the question there, is, that if I weren’t going to Antulang for Valentines Day, would I be going out with him then? I thought about for a minute, and thought that yes, I might, but definitely not on Valentines Day. I never did like the schedule…it would be completely awkward to be sharing resto space with all these other couples who are either,

A.) Lovey-dovey because they are spending the umpteenth Valentines’ Day together, or,
B.) Lovey-dovey because they are so in love with each other they’re all googley-eyed. OR,
C.) Lovey-dovey because they just met, are intensely attracted and might have sex later, OR
D.) Are blind daters who feel that to get with the spirit of the season, have to “keep up” and have a great time with said date.

Lol… To be perfectly honest, if I were to go out on a date with someone new, I’d much rather prefer it wasn’t in the context of Vday. It just sends out the wrong message, because, not all these love matches end up great. I’d much rather have fun with someone (if I’m lucky) on some other day, doing normal things.

However, you can’t blame me, I guess, the subject of dating is still a little delicate. It’s hasn’t been a year since I broke up with someone (my usual bounce back time is a year, max) and I don’t think I’ll be falling in love with someone at the snap of a finger anytime soon. Although I joke about it, and say in jest over and over, “Who cares about commitment…It’s safer for me right now to just go on dates with different guys so I can sample each type…”, I know I probably wouldn’t just have casual sex with anyone, much less commit and fall head over heels in love right away.

If it happens, it happens…

The dating, I mean. Not the sex.

Well, not now, anyway.

Haha.

JK! (Just Kidding!)

Really, I am. Lol…

Comfort Writing

I have this compulsion to write stuff I'm thinking of down as little side notes, especially when I'm thinking. I'm almost never without a pen and some writing paper (I have so many of them lying around!), because once an idea, or any thought for that matter hits me, I put it down in words so I can store it away for a time when it will be more useful.

Like, for when I get around to writing a real blog entry, for instance.

Many things have happened to me since the last time I've seriously written, but the stories I have dreamed up for them have remained just that, dreams. :-p I keep giving the excuse that I'm always so busy, and that when I get home, I'm usually so tired as to not have the energy to write down about things that matter.

It's that, I suppose, and the fact that before, when I used to write so liberally (and comfortably), one new friend (as told to me by another friend) commented that after seeing my work, this friend thought that I was a lazy writer, in that I did not edit my work... I took offense in that and gave the perfunctory excuse of always being too busy as to do some tweaking with any of my blog entries.

Taking that as a challenge, from then on, I decided that I was going to do a better job of editing whatever I wrote. I wrote with the intent of pleasing an audience, with the belief that there was always a general online public that hung on to my every word, and would cheer me on for the funny stuff I was writing, and in the same way, be turned off if I didn't do a good job.

That was a change, of course, and like they always say, if you want to be good at what you do, you have to be able to handle criticism, and you have to be receptive to advice. Advice and criticism are good things, of course, but the more "self-conscious" I became of my work, the less frequent I wrote. To be perfectly honest, I kept putting it off, always saying that..."Oh, this isn't well-written, I don't want to post this until I do some serious editing." Procrastinating sure did help. My posts became fewer and farther in between...and, to make things worse, my writing was so bad, even my own boyfriend (at the time) didn't think I was good enough to be on his blog roll (because he said his readers would want good, quality

That bad... Sheesh.

(That hurt, by the way.)

I mean, there was a blogger on his list who just wrote about random stuff...one-paragraph deals that were just...short little...paragraphs. Another blogger who had good stuff, but didn't write anything recent, another blogger who.... *sigh* Yes... that bad indeed.

After a while, I lost all desire to make any entries. I was getting busier (in that very traumatic part of my life, my Pediatrics Rotations) and partially discouraged because I didn't even pass my ex-boyfriend's expectations...was not a part of his little list...

Pardon me for sounding like an immature little sore loser, but I really can't help it. I'm still a little sore about it. :-(

Maybe I got drawn into the whole deal of making money from blogging, or from pleasing people and getting plenty of hits on my blog that I started to do everything, put up this blog and that...dabble into this clicking scheme and whatnot... all that stuff. I wanted to be doing what everybody else was doing, I was joining in the bandwagon.

Haha... after all that hullabaloo, at the end of the day, all I wanted to be, was, well, Me. In the first place, I didn't want to blog because of the money, or to please people (or, as my family would call it, to make sure I was not getting myself into unnecessary trouble), it was mostly about letting go...letting my thoughts and words wander where my body physically can't. I believe I called it "catharsis" before.

Yes, blogging is my own personal catharsis, a memoir of my own personal life adventures.

Also, to use my ex’s pet word, this is my own personal Chiaroscuro of moments and memories.

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After reading this entry in its entirety...and I have to say, this is the longest one yet after my personally-imposed period of solitude (and confusion, I suppose). It feels good to just run your fingers over the keys and let give your thoughts free rein, actually. entries.

I should do this more often.

Maybe this isn’t Lazy writing, maybe this is Comfort writing, instead, eh? :-)

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(Pssst …So,why do you blog?)

Low

Yesterday afternoon, a weird thing happened to me.

An hour after lunch, I started to feel this pounding headache, that wouldn't go away even if I had been rubbing the pads of my fingers on my temples over and over. No, it wouldn't.

I always have these "stress-type"headaches whenever I start a new rotation...which was perfectly timed with my much-awaited (and oftentimes dreaded) rotation in Medicine. I figured that this was one of "those headaches".

From experience, and from the intense throbbing at my temples and nape, I knew that there was bound to be something wrong with my BP.

Wonder of wonders...there was somthing wrong with my BP. So i went down to the ER (the medical ward is all the way up in the third floor) and had myself checked.

80/50.

It figures...the normal is around 120/80, and mine looked like it was way below normal. I chuckled to myself as I thought about how, in some places, they'd be sticking an IV in and pumping fluids to raise the BP up. And yet, there I was, walking around as if there was nothing wrong, except for the pained grimace, of course.

The second time a co-intern took my BP, it was down to 60 palpatory (you should've seen the look on his face). I smiled at the thought of myself being a walking ICU (intensive care unit) patient. A nurse checked me, and I was back to my "healthy" 80/60 reading. I didn't faint, not at all, I just had that ridiculously painful headache.

I spent the rest of the afternoon on my back at the doctors' quarters...I was pretty much useless and I couldn't een sleep it off. When I got home, I took a (miracle) mefenamic acid capsule, gorged on Gatorade and hit the sack early.

In the morning, I was good as new. :-) with a healthy 100/80. :-D

(I just remembered, I took my thyroid medication with an antibiotic at the same time yesterday...do you think it might have been that?)