FireFlowers

I heard the booms in the distance earlier tonight.

I went out on the balcony to see the night sky in the distance alight with fireworks. Beautiful bursts of colorful light, an animated show of fire and scientific chemical work. J I enjoyed the show very much. It was breezy up there on the terrace, and since I was wearing just a light shirt, it felt a little chilly and I had to wrap my arms around myself.

The show went on over there in the distance… pretty bursts in greens, reds, oranges and yellows…and mini-pops of multiple purples… I had to smile. Paris isn't the city of lights…tonight, Manila was. J

They were like fireflowers.

And they made me feel lonely.

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I've been watching Grey's Anatomy Season 6 for a few days on and off now.

It's a pretty addictive series…and I always want to know how every character develops, and how it all ends. And when you get there, you'll be like, "Whoa…", with a breath of exultation. Or some other similar feeling.

(I always did love stories.)

It makes me cry too…and makes me remember certain things. A friend laughed at me one time for crying at one of the scenes. I couldn't help it, Cristina Yang was talking about death and how it was going to hurt every day whenever you think of them until one day, you'll remember them, but then it won't hurt anymore, you'll remember the good memories.

I miss my grandfather. It still hurts when I think of him. I don't know how long it's going to be before I'll only just smile in acceptance when I'll remember him.

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I agree with a friend of mine. Grey's Anatomy can get pretty melodramatic. (Life in the hospital isn't probably that dramatic, and the doctors aren't always very good looking, and we don't always get to have great sex in the call rooms. haha)

It's just like…guilty fare. You don't really need to watch it to learn medicine (accurately), but the drama is entertaining enough.

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I have really learned a lot these past few weeks, learning under mentors has been so unbelievably invigorating that I feel that I've made the right choice. I'll always want to learn something new and useful from somebody who knows more about something than me…so I can teach it to someone too.

I'm right where I want to be…even if it gets a little lonely sometimes.

The chief resident told us that the pre-residency training was relatively lighter because they wanted to "entice" applicants to join the program. The real work was going to start in January. There was a big probability that we were all going to be around for it.

That would mean we would have duties every 6 days…IF we all took care of each other.

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Dr. Jackson Avery on Grey's Anatomy reminds me of Doctor Boy.

While you were sleeping

While you were sleeping. Ermita, Manila. October 23, 2010.

Dear Manila,

You've always taught me a thing or two about life.
And while you were sleeping, I learned some more.
Life is as we make it, there are no accidents, everything we do leads to another; consequences of our own accord...
I learned that you can't make someone love you if they don't...and vice versa.
And that it always pays to listen, to pay attention...
and to remember that No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
That sometimes, we have to give up what we want, so we can focus on what we need.
And that not all "signs" are signs...we just feel them to be so.
And not to put too much thought in people's intentions...not everyone is as easy to read as a book.
And that oftentimes, we should be thankful for small blessings (and big ones) that we get day to day,
like living rent-free in a homey place (c/o the graciousness of a groovy aunt and uncle), having friends nearby to visit, and having everything i need when i need it.

and less seriously,
I've learned that eggs taste better with less salt, if you're eating it with tocino.
and that sometimes rice needs one more cup of water than the usual for it to cook properly...
that half a kilo fetuccini is...a lot, when cooking
and that one should always shower after using the pool,
that paperwork needs to be done, and right away...so it doesn't pile up unnecessarily.
That maybe it is alright to make mistakes in cooking...as long as you'll eat it yourself (because that's how you'll learn).
That Auntie Anne's pretzels are yummy,
That smoking is not good, stress-relief or not.
That everything can be done and completed...but at the rate of one at a time.
That fish should be checked for freshness by judging how stiff they are...
that tomatoes should be soft and round when you buy them...
that the salad bar at the grocery section doesn't sell it at "eat-all-you-can" for Php 22.50 only (but by weight)
That the Meralco office is just a walk away,
and that having someone do your laundry saves you time to do more things for yourself.

(And that it is better to think in Tagalog so you won't have to break a sweat so much when you talk.)

Ah Manila, you will always be a good memory.

I hope never to learn the anguish of getting my pocket picked...
of losing my ATM card...
of getting lost and not having money in my pocket...
of not having enough money...
of being conned (although my lola would use the word Boodle-boodle)
of not getting into the training program at UP-PGH
of being attacked by a psychotic patient,
or fall in love with a boy who won't love me back...

One of these days, i'll learn not to be too transparent,
not to give too much of myself,
to work harder,
to use humor more to deal with the unbearable hurt,
to anticipate and be ready for  the inevitable,
to not hate, even if i someone tells me i might,
to love myself as much as I want to be loved.
to know when to say no...
to never settle for less than what i deserve.
to be brave enough to face the consequences  (and triumphs) of my actions,
to not be all talk, but more of action (;-))
to realize when i am indeed waiting in vain.

and maybe, just an added extra?

I want to relearn what it is like to wake up with a giddy, excited smile...
to hold someone's hand, finger to finger, and palm to palm,
to feel sure that i am loved, and loved for who i am,
(and not because of my boobs, or butt, or lips, or legs...not that that's ever happened, at masyado akong feeler, di ba.hehe)
to laugh until tears run down my cheeks and I am out of breath.
to feel secure in someone's strong arms , and [wide, but not fat] chest. (haha, specifics.tall is welcome.)

and to get the perfect sunset picture one day,

AND...

to always be early for an appointment.

(which is at 9AM, Buendia Station, today, with Joe, Chamie, Roxanne and Tope for the trip to Tagaytay. which means i can't start by getting late now. bye. )

 

Juan

"The wind caught it…"

…was what Uma Thurman's supposedly genetically-perfect character, Eileen, as she was handed Ethan Hawke's [also] supposedly genetically-perfect character Jerome's strand of hair for…analysis. 

In that futuristic Utopian-themed movie, Gattaca (which happens to be one of my favorites), everyone at one point or another sorted out their dating partners according to how "premium" their date's DNA was. In one scene, after a date, males and females would flock to these DNA analysis centers and have whatever DNA sample they have analyzed (hair, lipstick, name it, one woman even handed in a swab…of something.:-p)

It was romantic in a sci-fi (I love this genre, by the way) kind of way, because, this was likened to not caring whether or not the prospective was genetically-perfect, but was instead a fate birth (or a degenerate). Throwing away a piece of useful DNA sample without having it analyzed but going for the guy anyway was like throwing one's cares to the wind.

Wind…


Last night, I was seized by the blogging bug. Anticipating an hour of carefree writing, I just grabbed my laptop and went downstairs for some free wifi. It turned out to be pretty comical.

There was a typhoon up in the northern parts of Luzon, and Manila was experiencing "sprinkles" of it. And as such, there were heavy rains, and down there at the 7^th floor, the pool's water was roiling and churning either which way, as if some giant wind could not decide where the current should go. Determined to go online, I had to keep both hands on Dean (yes, my laptop has a name); one on the screen, and one on the keyboard to keep him from flying off.

Dean wasn't the only one who had to be controlled. :-p The wind was in my eyes, and I had to blink every few seconds to keep my contacts from drying out…the wind tousled my hair in more ways than one, and I had to hold down my skirt. Which had me thinking, that if I weren't too pre-occupied with checking out new email (or Facebook) or sending a tweet, I would have been holding my skirt down like Marilyn Monroe did when she was on top of the airvent.


Yikes.

I did what I had to do, and decided that it wasn't worth it, really…maybe writing was better done within the confines of my own four walls, free internet time or not.
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I woke up around 4AM today with a start, I wanted to get up and write, which was my first thought. My heart beat a little faster as I started thinking about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it (writing always makes my heart do a little pitter patter.)


The wind.

Things were happening around me all the time, new things, new people, new faces, new experiences…and I felt that if I didn't write them down, I'd be leaving them to go off into oblivion, forgotten (what lessons they might have taught me would have been lost), being tossed off into the ever-present wind of passing time.


5:45AM. Dining table. Ermita, Manila. 


P.S. It's like in Psychiatry (as with every other medical specialty), one always has to write down notes and orders, and whatever little thing you did for the patient, because as the dictum of charts and record-keeping goes, what isn't written, wasn't done. As with everything else, I suppose. If I didn't write them down, I'd have forgotten about them. Sayang naman. ;-)


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Eleven thoughts:

1. My current laundry shop has a "no receipt, no claim" policy. Guess what, I misplaced the receipt. (Will I have to try to charm my way into getting my laundry, then?
2. I want to go to the Yuchengco Museum one of these days to see the Utopia painting exhibit (of the lesser known works of the masters).
3. I want to do tourist-y things before I go back… like, Carlos Celdran's tour, see the Post office, the National Library, finish touring the National Museum's main building (Hersh and I did the smaller building first two months ago), watch the sunset at the Bay Area (and take lots of pictures), do the Bungee Jumping thing at MOA, and I don't know, go to Baguio? Go partying at Encore. Go check out the 4^th floor of the National Bookstore in Cubao (its main branch for rare, funky books…). Check out a film festival. J
4. I think I'll get the prepaid Sun broadband modem. Post-paid (unlimited) is too much work, and besides, if I had unlimited internet, I'll be…incorrigible. :-p
5. It's another overcast day in Manila.
6. I paid a visit to my friend Pettie who was on-duty (she's a pre-resident as well) at the Pedia ER. She was holding down a child (with another pre-resident) on a stretcher (they were everywhere) and she told me that she hadn't sat down since she started (and what time was that probably? Uhh…morning?). And that she was shifting to psychiatry. Haha. Seeing her at the (very hot and humid) ER like that made me give her the Krispy Kremes doughnut that I was saving for something. I could always get another one.
7. Butch Dalisay's fountain pen. I want my own now. But it's a bit steep. If I can't get over this "need" in a week, I'm going to have to do something about it.
8. I did my report on Psychosis and Schizophrenia yesterday afternoon with Dr. Anlacan as the consultant. I had 147 slides (mostly pictures and diagrams, though). He really is a smart guy, and kind as well…taught us a lot of stuff. I was all-ears. J
9. Had Sbarro's Buffalo Chicken pizza last night with Mer and Ma'am Pearl. Yum.
10. Pa and Ma have Skyped with my aunt in the states. They called me last night to tell me that, among other things. :-p Ma's the techier one, Pa just likes YouTube.lol.
11. And, It's the little things that take up the most space in my heart. 

Picture post #2: "Beauty and the Brain"

Pictures from the UP-PGH Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine Post-Graduate Conference on Beauty and the Brain, on psychosocial aspects of beauty and vanity addictions. ;-) Manila Ocean Park, October 15, 2010.  

Mer, Trina, Chamie, I and Bien 

With the consultants and Residents of the UP-PGH Dept of Psychiatry

With Ma'am Liecel Fulgencio, Chief Resident extraordinaire
(Note: in PGH, seniors aren't called "Doc" or "Doctor", but Ma'am and Sir. It took a little getting-used to)

With the Residents

The famous photographer Raymund Isaac was there to give a mini-speech, and I won his coffeetable book in the raffle. (I'm being the adoring fan here, and having him sign my book, "My name is Stephanie, Sir..." (and you know what he signed in? "Stephanie, Thanks for listening." hehe. :-p Okay... 

All in all, it was a fun event that was successful. ;-)

picture post #1

Tunnel. Manila Ocean Park, October 15, 2010.

Sometimes, you wonder...who IS caged, them or us? :-p


I've sometimes wondered what the fish thought about the humans walking down the tunnel... but that's only 'cause i had a lot of time to stare then. :-p


(SO many things have happened lately...but i hardly have the time to write them down into something coherent.

Week 1: Orientation

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Week 1 of pre-residency in Psychiatry is orientation week.

We’ve been taken around the hospital, given extensive orientations on what to do, and where things are, and where to go when we’re needed there, and etc.

This morning we had a sit-down with the training officer (who, coincidentally, was a graduate of my med school, and came from my hometown). It was a very “physiologic” orientation, if I do say so myself. Or maybe psychiatrists just have that “way” of dealing with people. It was very organized and succinct, but afterwards, you’ll you got everything down pat anyway.

(One of my favorite teachers back in med school (she was a psychiatrist), was lecturing once and talked about the beauty of outlines, and organization. Psychiatry seems to be very organized and structured, it’s almost comforting. J)

We were told that the biggest makers and breakers were three things; the oral exams, the written exams and the grand rounds. The written exams were to be given in the middle of the academic year and were multiple choice questions, with items of varying degrees of difficulty (A passing grade is 75%, and if you failed, you’d have to retake it again. Once.). The oral exams was a real time interview with a psychiatric patient, chosen by a panel of 3 consultant psychiatrists of the department (Me: “…or an actor?” (laughter from everyone in the table)). They’d be grading you on how you interviewed and dealt the patient, how you come up with differential diagnoses and your treatment plan (which, most likely would be a psychotic case or maybe someone with a mood disorder, which was the usual kind of cases given to patients.)

Somehow, I’m viewing this as a challenge, because, as I’ve said over and over again, speaking in Tagalog makes me anxious. :-p Seriously, it is a hurdle I must overcome… To be perfectly honest, it’s embarrassing how big a deal of it I’m making, because everyone swears that it is a pretty simple language, and you get the hang of it if you keep speaking it.

It’s more of a…”I’m shy”, kind of thing. Years back, one of my uncles joked about how I should stick to speaking in English after hearing me talk in Tagalog. That kind of stuck…and besides, we hardly talk in Tagalog where I’m from. I can understand it perfectly of course, but I don’t have an extensive a vocabulary as I’d like to. And I sound…funny. I think. Or different. And people can tell, but I don’t think they’re going to mind very much, as long as I can be understood. (The accent issues are mine alone. Nobody else cares, I think. LOL)

It’s not helping that my co-preresidents talk in English when we’re together as a group most of the time, too. :-p They’re very cool people, actually. That’s a pic of us on one of our lunches-out together. Everybody brings something to the table, it’s a shame really that since there were only 4 slots to be filled, one of us 5 has to go (we’re going to be ranked accordingly after our tenure as pre-residents). That’s a big heartbreak for whoever gets…well, gets booted. 

Still, there’s the promise of something. Since there were other programs with slots that wouldn’t be filled (i.e. Family Medicine has 15 slots, but only 2 applicants), so the training officer offered that if we were all going to perform really well and be in top shape as pre-residents, he’s going to personally go to the Chairman of the hospital to give the program an extra slot so all five of us would be accommodated. Which would be, undoubtedly, PHYSIOLOGIC. J haha. * fingers crossed *

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Speaking of heartbreak, there’s a quote from Andre Agassi’s book (Open) that I especially like, because I can relate;

“ We are like blocks of stone… blows of His chisel which hurt us so much are what make us perfect.”

(Actually, I wanted the one about how a broken heart was about shooting pains in your chest that hurt endlessly, like a wound that never healed. Why so? Because that’s what it feels like. And I don’t want to keep having that feeling again. So…I hope everything goes well.).

:-)

“Beauty and Madness”

First day notes.

First day on the job…

Well, not really, because although it's the first day, we were not at all pressured, and we didn't have official "jobs" yet.

It was as "physiologic" as possible, perhaps one of the best orientations I've ever had.

J

Ok, so I've recently been accepted into the pre-residency program of a training institution here in Manila. It's a coveted job, and being so, it's going to be a heartbreaker, because there are 5 of us doing pre-residency, but only 4 will be accepted for the real thing. (It's a bit unfair, but hey, life's like that they say.) We were told that since this was the case, every little thing we do counts (e.g. we're "evaluated" in everything we do, starting with the exam we took two weeks ago), and we will all be graded according to how we perform. ß Which means, top 4 people in the list get in, number 5 gets to go home a la Survivor, although not as ruthlessly, of course.

The chief resident was really cool. She was, "physiologic", but really busy. She seemed to have a lot of things happening, but she still managed to make everything flow smoothly, and effortlessly. Apart from all the macro-management she has to do regarding the schedules of the undergrad (she arranges schedules with the medical students), the consultants, and us, pre-residents. On top of that, she is also organizing the post-graduate conference that's happening next week.

…where, we were told, the motif was Aqua Blue (perhaps this is the only pressure on us for week, to find an aqua blue outfit, because everyone in the organizing team has to wear aqua blue. haha:-p)

(Like I always say…it's, "No Biggie". J)

The title for this entry was copied off Fra Lippo Lippi's song of the same title. I got the idea from the post-graduate conference poster, which was going to focus on "beauty and the mind", psychosocial aspects of aesthetics, mostly. One of my group mates asked if Vicky Belo was going to give one of the lectures. Hehe, no, she wasn't, but hey, it was interesting enough anyway.

She gave us our schedules (arranged down to hourly activities, of course J) and gave us a tour around the hospital, to places where we'd be frequenting. The ER, the OPD, the Ambulatory Unit, other wards. When we were there, the ER was quite the bedlam (as to be expected, with everything happening all at once), and it was quite hot inside (especially at the Surgery section). It reminded me of my year as a clinical clerk, when you had "first touch" in everything. Well, this was pretty much the same thing, but then what I saw seemed 3x more busy. It looked like a tough job.

(Anyway, she said that most of the referrals from the surgery section usually were of patients who ingested toxic substances, most common being silver jewelry cleaner (according to Mer, one of my groupmates).)

Quick thoughts ('cause it's almost 2AM, and I'm sleepy..):

1. As part of the evaluation, we have to do didactics on common psych topics, with a time limit of 1 hour (30 slides), which would show how we were able to conceptualize and present certain topics. Mine (she drew lots in advance) was Psychotic Disorders. I like it.J
   
2. I can't speak Tagalog (it's my…"fourth" language, hehe )well. Which is precisely the reason why I have to have my Mental Status Exam translated to Tagalog…and memorized. Or something to that effect.
   
3. I'm glad my old school friend Chamie is also applying. It's a comfort.
   
4. I have a feeling the competition is going to be on the fierce side. :-p
   
5. One of us, is 41 and has an 18 year-old daughter. And has had years in Addiction Psychiatry.
   
6. I love my current place. It's so close to where I work. I so love it.
   
7. No duties until next week.
   
8. We have to present a case presentation at the end of the month before we're done with pre-residency training.
   
9. I do my laundry. Well, some of it.
   
10. Happy Birthday JoeJoe! Super fun party earlier. Yey! J
    

    
     

    
     

    (I'm hungry. :-p)
    

Have a nice day. J