Castration

July 31st, 2012. While sitting at the chief resident's table, working on my grand rounds...

The blank sheet of paper…or the blank screen is always intimidating.

Starting something is the most difficult thing for me to do whenever it comes to writing. Of course, I love the freedom but the immensity of the responsibility terrorizes me no end.

A few days ago, I sat at the table, not moving a muscle, not budging an inch in the writing of the all-important protocol. I didn’t need an inspiration, nor a reprieve…I just needed to start the damn thing.

L

I suppose the struggle to eke out a respectable piece of work has been hounding me these past few weeks. Someone important to me had commented in a way that made me feel castrated…my literary “balls” have been literally neutered. It’s easy to say that it’s not that hard to prepare a protocol, (i.e. “how hard can it be?”), but to be perfectly honest, I’m having a hard time gathering my bearings again after having been given such “constructive” criticism.

It reminded me of what my mentor had to say one time, while we were having one of our mentoring sessions, “You shouldn’t be willing to learn, but it is your responsibility to learn.”

So there.

Sporadic as they are, I happen to enjoy these mentoring sessions very much…my mentor always has the best answers to life’s questions, training included.  One time, while preparing for my oral exams, I had approached him, to ask for his advice. What followed was Socratic-themed lesson that lasted almost an hour, but ended up with him summarizing the day’s lessons in just a short sentence. And I was like, “Oh…..” J

He said I wasn’t comfortable with silences…and that I should learn to listen more.

“Listen to the patient…that way, you can observe which areas of the grey matter are working, you’ll see what defenses he or she is putting into play, and you’ll see how he deals with his environment.”

(All this, I had blathered on about for the good part of an hour.)

I love my mentor, really, he has helped me a lot. I’d like to say that he was my go-to person for life and career advice… J

So anyway, regarding the major “stops and starts” in my work, I have realized that I cannot afford the luxury. My Procrastination has gone on long enough…and I can’t let it ruin my life/career/relationships any further.

I realize that I may have allowed myself to be too affected by what one supervisor said to me and it has seriously hampered my chances for grand rounds success. ß How come I feel so inept these days?

-----

Procrastination is almost all about fear…the fear that you won’t be able to do something perfectly; the fear that you will fail.

From the looks of it, if I don’t get to finish my work tonight, I might as well be packing my bags to 

go back home and…plant camote.

One of my coresidents tell me that fear is a good motivator…well, it sure isn’t working for me. We do not learn because we fear, I think we learn because we respect the circumstances, we do so because we want to.

(And hence, with these words, I’d like to end my thoroughly windy pampering of my “castrated” writer’s ego, and get busy. )

-----

Oh, do wish me luck.

----

And guess what, I’m presenting a case of panic disorder…because well, I don’t seem to have any. :-p

*wry laugh*

Love,

S.

Photo: Pink.

At the Philippine Psychiatric Association (PPA) convention...where, afterwards, my childhood buddy Antoine went, "Whoa, you sure are wearing a lot of pink. even your phone is pink!" :-p

pink dress.

Photo: enKindle me.

Ok, so at the PPA convention, I won a Kindle in a raffle.
(Can I just say I'm really really happy about it?)

Photo: Rose Heart Clay

Rose Heart Clay. July 27,2012. Crowne Plaza, Ortigas.

     I couldn't sleep...had too much coffee when I went to work earlier, and now i'm still wide awake, and its almost 5AM. I know I'll be having a lot of patients to see, but I can't help not sleeping. I used "extra-strength coffee", AND had another cup of regular one...geesh. Me and my choices...

Anyway, the opening ceremony for the Olympics is on...I'm watching it via ABS-CBN...but the reception really isn't all that hot. i have no choice, it's the only channel that's showing the olympics opening ceremonies.

The British sure do know how to throw a party! :-) I love it! :-)

I'm inspired...Practice really DOES make perfect...

I wonder how long it took everyone to get this all together. :-)

(I'm actually going to start my tour of duty in a few hours...not a wee bit sleepy. good luck to me.)

:-D

Love,

S.

Photo: little finger

Erica. July 2012. Manila.

Video:Somewhere over the rainbow

This song always reminds me of my lolo.

i heard it earlier...and now i miss him again...

Photo: Baby C. comes to visit.

Baby C. comes for a visit.

(Where I work, there's never a day that goes by without a sense of fulfillment...somehow.)


Love,

S.

Video: Magic Mike Trailer

Lovelle and Pearl, my coresidents were talking about watching this hot new movie earlier tonight... I wanted to watch it with them after dinner, but I ended up not doing it, and going home right after. <-- I wanted to sleep so bad after a long day of screening patients. (Intense all day work often leaves me drained.)

But anyway, while we were talking about it, I joked about it, and told one of my coresidents, RG, "Hey man, we're watching this later, you want to come with us?" He laughed and said something, and then goes on to ask another coresident, Joff, "Joff, Magic Mike daw o. Sama ka, pare?"

And Joff gives this funny look, as if to say, "are you kidding me?" and it was so funny we all laughed.

Anyway, Magic Mike....what a man.

 *sizzles*

Love,

S.

Looking.

Earlier today, I was walking in the mall with a friend to get to a dinner in a restaurant with a bunch of people after work (but it was still work-related somehow). I noticed a group of guys at a table look in our direction while we were talking to our table.

Me: (Later when we were seated) Hey man, do you know those people?

Friend: Which ones?

Me: Those guys on the front table...Friends of yours from school?

Friend: No, why?

Me: Well, they were looking at us when we came in. I thought they were looking at me, and then i thought maybe you knew them...

Friend: (smiles) No, they were looking at me, and thinking what a lucky guy I was, 'cause you were with me.

(Haha. high five, dude pare. :-))

yon ang linya.


:-)

Love,

S.

Photos: Everybody Loves Gen!

Gen, one of the my friends from medical school, the birthday girl, celebrates her birthday with dinner at Italianni's...and yummy cake from Theobroma!

Almost everyone was there, including "The Three Amigos", Vick, Tope and Chamie! :-D

Some of us girls; Gen, Kuai, moi and Jenai.

Gen slices her cake!

That vegetarian pizza was something else... well, she was on a diet, and the health kick was pretty obvious in the food we ordered. Love Italianni's! :-D

Floyd  does her souvenir photo for her birthday!

Phillip and Jerry...:-p

Now THIS is chocolate cake. Theobroma, thou art <3. :-)

The girls in dresses (per request of the birthday girl).

[One of the many] Faces of @flipadfoot.

Good conversations all around.

 

 

 

 

Tired, but definitely happy. :-)

 

:-) Happy birthday, Gen. May true love and the happiness it brings find its way to you... :-)

Video: Tender

Tender, by Blur.

One of my favorites.

Love,

S.

Tender is the night

Lying by your side

Tender is the touch

Of someone that you love too much

Tender is my heart you know

I'm screwing up my life

Oh Lord I need to find

Someone who can heal my mind

Come on, Come on, Come on 

Get through it

Come on, Come on, Come on 

Love's the greatest thing

Come on, Come on, Come on 

Get through it

Come on, Come on, Come on 

Love's the greatest thing 

That we have

I'm waiting for that feeling

I'm Waiting for that feeling

Waiting for that feeling to come

Oral Exams

We’re in the thick of reviewing for the big oral exams this week…

This annual exam is one of the big requirements for promotion. The big challenge is to ace it…and basically, that ensures you the 1/3 of your grade that you need to move on to the next level. 

J

So naturally, I and my co-residents are working overtime on it.

We just spent time at the conference room an hour earlier, Trina and I, overseeing Mia (a junior) interviewing a psychotic patient from our own ward downstairs. We, Trina and I, are currently in our second year of residency, so as Seniors with a little more experience in the field, we had to give tips and teach our juniors how the interviews for the oral exams were supposed to go about. 

First year students are usually given psychotic patients to interview, because it’s the easiest there is. Not that many transference issues to handle, its shorter and less tedious, among other things. You just basically have to have the control of the interview, know what to look for, have a comprehensive treatment plan for your patient, and then you’re good to go.

Its 40 minutes to do the psychiatric interview, do a physical exam (including full neurological exam) and then they give you 10 minutes to frame your data (and compose yourself, of course, haha) and then 5 minutes to present your patient’s case. And then you’re expected to hold your own when they grill you for about twenty minutes about your patient and what you intended to do about him or her. Depending on how you did with your five-minute presentation, the grilling could take longer. The longest twenty minutes of your life, possibly.

J

I failed my first oral exams, by the way. It broke my heart, but not really…

Like with everything else, I got over it (and it helped that the first person who made me feel better about it was a really good friend who understood me. Who had the prettiest eyes ever. haha)

J

I didn’t get to enumerate the DSM-IV Criteria for substance abuse…and besides that, my 

Tagalog pretty much…sucked.  I wasn’t a native speaker, and I had a bit of trouble doing the interview in full Tagalog. I used to have this tendency to think the question up in English and then think of Tagalog words to translate… as with everything that’s new, it takes a little getting used to. J I sometimes laugh at myself, because when I was younger, the mere thought of speaking in Filipino was enough to fill me with unending dread.

Anyway…now, its not so much as dreading talking to a new patient, it’s more of getting scared about being watched while doing it.

It’s all part of the process, and in second year, its not just about engaging the patient…it’s also about getting enough data to get a diagnosis. J

(I still love my job.)

Sometimes I cheat… I usually check out the patient’s birthplace or place of origin, and then it’s easier because I can interview in my native dialect of Cebuano, or in Hiligaynon, or in English…when it should just be Tagalog...

 I thoroughly enjoy talking to people, they are simply interesting. My problem usually is writing it all down right away. L

Anyway, when I was screening, one of my favorite practices of “connecting” with the patient was 

when I would get them comfortable enough to cry about what their problems were, or what was 

bothering them, in my presence. I felt that I was being helpful in catharsis. And once they’ve identified what their real problems were, then it was a promising start for psychotherapy. J

---

My big day is on Thursday…wish me luck.

Love, 

S

Photo: The Puppy Dragon

I was halfway through reading about the psychodynamics of Schizophrenia, when Trina burst in the third year room, where I was currently staying.

 “Why are you here?” she asked.

“Well, there’s a big table, the lighting is way better…and no one’s using this table.” I grinned.

(I have a thing about space…I need lots and lots of it.)

So anyway, I stuck the green highlighter in the book to mark the page and turned to her for an impromptu girl talk session…which lasted for a few minutes, but, as with all girl talk sessions, was full of useful insight (that I may or may not use, of course). J

We were talking about the upcoming tentative orals, the SCP (Social and Community Psychiatry) exam results, and well, boys.

Girls will be girls…the call room could pass for a dorm full of high school girls trading stories about love and other adventures, instead of being just a workplace for doctors. I don’t suppose it’s a far-fetched idea, as our business is talking, and it helps to “talk it out” and get debriefed every once in a while.

So anyway, I told her about me seeing this young doctor that I had a crush on last year because he was tall, with boyish good looks and had a thing for fountain pens (like me!). He was visiting his friend and former groupmate, who was also my co-resident, and so I got to “meet-and-greet” him for a few minutes before I headed back to work. *kilig* He was a nice guy, always smiling, always “bright and shiny”…just the way I remembered him last year. He was apparently, one of the smartest guys of his class, and underwent a special program in medical school. But other than that, he was just this tall, cute dude. I remembered sending Meemz a text message, saying that I just had the funniest case of the heebie-jeebies, grinning.

(Well, I got back to studying of course…no choice eh.)

She told me in the morning that he had felt the same, and that last year, he had been in a dilemma as to whether he should’ve given me a present or something. LOL… but he didn’t, and nothing happened because well, it wasn’t meant to be like that. And besides, I was pretty much in the teacher role, and he was my student, being the resident that I am.

So anyway, I thought nothing of it, and then I turned my full attention back to Trina, who was giving me hints and telling me I should try dating a guy who, “didn’t look good on paper”. She was giving me subtle hints (which weren’t so subtle, because she and I both knew who she was talking about, haha), and was telling me that I could give it a chance, this dating thing.

She said that he was a really nice guy (he is), and that he was going to treat me right (I’m sure). Haha. But I told her that I’d think about it, but I really wasn’t the type who could be coerced into doing something… I mean, if I wanted to do something, I would, but not otherwise, especially not, deciding who to date. But then again, my choices in men in the past have been less than stellar, so maybe one of these days, I just might try her suggestion…

(Some guys you like, some guys you like-like. You know what I mean?)

J

Bottomline is, if somebody really wanted me (and wanted to date me), they’d need to put in a little more effort. I’m too busy (or too dense) to be bothered…and I really don’t like guess work, or unanswered questions anymore.

I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be won.

…and I also want to pass this week’s oral exams.

So there. J

Love,

S.

P.S. I got this present from one of my good friends this morning. He handed it to me in a little baggie, as well as some goodies from his trip abroad over the weekend:

Me: “What do you think it is?”

Him: “It’s a puppy, it’s jade.”

Me: “Are you sure? I think it’s something else.” (turning it around in my fingers, liking the smooth sides)

Him: I think it’s a puppy dragon. J I wonder what sound it makes…

Me: (laughing, remembering the previous joke)

Him: Do you know what a dragon sounds like?

Me: Well, it goes something like…..(pause) Uhh, I’d rather not say....

Hehe. Anyway…it was fun. Now I better go back to doing my job. By the way, thanks to Sir Reggie for the insightful expressive psychotherapy earlier this morning, and the importance of discipline. #schoolnotes #withhonors

Photo: Early morning bookworms

The early morning bookworms. February 2012. Ermita, Manila

Sometimes, early in the morning, I purposely wander over to this roadside book vendor (a.k.a. "Alika-Book" to see if there were new titles that I would like. They're pretty cheap, and once or twice, I find a title that I can't seem to let go of, and then I buy it.

One morning, I chanced upon these two ladies who were also avid readers...and we launched into an impromptu book discussion, which was totally great. Instant learning from the street, I'd say.

:-)

The lady in the middle has a son who was also a doctor, and she liked the fact that I was interested in photography...and that my life wasn't solely revolving around medicine. :-)

 I bought a book at that time, too. Always a good memory attached to a buy whenever I get one.

Now these are nice surprises in the mornings. 

much love, 

S.

Photo: Pens

Pen covers. Manila. May  2012. (Photo by: S.)

No biggie. Just sharing... I just wanted to say that I can't live with just one pen in my pocket. I have to have a lot. One for signing, one of writing, one for making orders, one for notes, one for highlighting, and a pencil.

:-)

Love, 

S.

P.S. MY current favorite is the red Shaeffer Calligraphy pen from when I was a kid.