On the brighter side…

I’d just pulled in a long day at work, with hardly any sleep…I slept some on the couch, but was mostly either talking to my patients, or talking with their parents. It was a holiday yesterday, newly-announced and I had many outpatients come to consult with me despite that.

I’ve been feeling kind of overwhelmed with work lately…I’ve got many patients both in the wards and in the outpatient department, that I haven’t caught up with my schoolwork. I haven’t paid my supervisor a visit in the past couple of weeks, nor have I even talked to my mentor.  In fact, I’ve avoided him for a while, because I couldn’t stay to make chitchat.

I just got home after having dinner with people I  worked with, at the call-room. It was a welcome reprieve. It was fun, actually…good old Cifu soup (yes, I ordered the hot and sour), because most of us were sick (I have the cough and the sniffles) and Mer, the one on duty, was feeling like he was coming down with the flu…

There were like 10 people in the callroom who ended up joining us for dinner at the dining table, and it turned out to be quite enjoyable, a little ribbing here, and a little ribbing there. A little corny joke here, a little teasing there (especially when Trina said she just wanted Donn Mc, and Mer asked if everyone wanted some wine to go with the ‘cheeeze", haha. anyway…)   Just a light-hearted moment…

I just said I wanted to go home. And by “home” I meant a whole bunch of different things… I meant that I missed being pampered at home, being cuddled by my Ma, hugging my Lola, or just being at home in my condo unit, enjoying the peace (and cable tv)… hell, I almost even meant being with someone who just felt like home…

Anyway, I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself. I’m sick, and I just want to laze about, and throw a little fit of helplessness, and have someone make it all go away.  Things at work have been a little overwhelming, and I have to admit, I get down in the dumps sometimes, from the pressure and from the weight of it all. One of my favorite teachers back in medical school, a resident as well, told me that yes, it is normal to be feeling that way, but she said that the thing that was sure to get her out of the doldrums was this, “ Despite what you feel, you have responsibilities to fulfill.” Most of time, you don’t have the luxury to mope, because somebody somewhere was waiting for you to make them feel better.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not thinking of quitting, or going anywhere, or being all resistant in the workplace… hell no! I love my job. And I’m thankful for all this learning I’m getting, and this “adventure” I’m going through, but still, I can’t help but feel like a used dishrag…dirty, and well, soiled. I’m in terrible need of a good picker upper…or a good night’s sleep (whichever comes first).

One time, I was told by one of the consultants that life was not always nice, and people weren’t going to be treating me as nicely as I often expect. “It’s a harsh world out there, Stephanie…don’t you always be thinking that everything is soft and sugarcoated…” [Paraphrased, yes, but I never did think that the world was all peaches and cream. at all.] I’ve had my share of disappointments (boy, have I), I’ve had my share of being hurt by what other people have done or said to me,  I’ve been through a whole lot more than I could possibly tell in these pages…  In a weird way, I’ve adopted a sense of optimism despite all this. Ok, well, I almost lost my arm, and wound up with it being disfigured for the rest of my life,but instead of hiding it, I’ve just decided not to bother. After all, funnily enough, it has become a good conversation starter with other people, as well as patients so it doesn’t bother me anymore. (A friend of Chamie’s said that he didn’t even notice my arm when he first saw me…all he noticed was, well, me. ) I got some constructive criticism lately, and instead of dwelling on it too much (although I did for 48 hours), I decided to make it work in my favor…(long story, haha). One time, I promised someone I wouldn’t hurt him, but I wound up getting the worst emotional beating any girl could stand anyway, and I wound up being the one who had to take the brunt. LOL…but that was in the past. Out of that foolhardy endeavor years ago, I developed the ability to laugh about it, and know that it could never work out because I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love himself enough (and who had short legs).

To make the long story short…there will always be a way to make things better, and a way to look at situations in a different way…

I understand that this is getting to be a sob story, and that I’m ranting about my problems with work… I’m sorry, I don’t need validation, nor anyone to feel sorry for me. LOL

Actually, I’m just feeling bad that I’m sick and all the way out here when my family is an hour’s ride away by plane, celebrating my brother’s birthday. I wish I could be there, but right now, I can’t. So I’m doing the next best thing…taking this night off to rest my weary bones (and heart), and watch Crazy, Stupid Love, and sleep in my warm, comfy bed (that smells of home)…

….Until, well, about 6AM tomorrow, when I’ll have to go on rounds at the ward again.

Toodles.

Love,

~ S.

(P.s. who cares if Mark Twain thinks first drafts should be edited “because they’re crap”? I’ll pass on the editing, and opt for catharsis. for now. Thanks for being a good audience. )\