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Sunday, December 14, 2014

before the goodbye.

Sunday, December 14, 2014
I feel a bit melancholy tonight...

After reading Cecelia Ahern's book, "Love, Rosie", I thought I'd rest my mind from thinking about the myriad of activities this week, and worrying about them... but the opposite effect rang true. I got sadder and sadder with every page.

I love speed reading, so I read it like a race care driver would do his laps...chapter after chapter, until I realized that it was dragging on too long, and the denouement was so agonizing.

*sigh*

And then I went outside and stared out at the city which I have grown to love over the past four years (and apparently always have in my heart, since I was a child), and I felt even sadder.

From my balcony, the lights were twinkling, the wide landscape was alight with different pinpoints of color. I had my starry sky right there in front of me... Then there was the "cacophony" of sounds that never bothered me from this height....in fact, it was as much a relaxing white noise than the beaches... 

I'll be leaving soon, and going back to my hometown. And it pains me so much because I know I'll have to leave it all behind.It was a great four years....of learning, of freedom, of choices made, of promises, and of being broken and made whole again over and over. 

 and I don't know when I'm coming back...

Perhaps my peace is here...and not among the crashing waves, nor the cacophony of pedicabs, or the harsh sun...

Yes, I am sad tonight. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

"gravity"

Monday, October 27, 2014
Some songs make me sad sometimes...

Snow Patrol's song is making me a tad bit sad right now...

The cadence, the lyrics...

Or is it the singer's breathy vocals that talks of young love?

There will always be songs that will take you to times in your life that you'd rather not...write about. Some things are just so etched in the most integral parts of your brain that you can't seem to grow out of it... it becomes part of your working memory.

Your life...

---- 

When I have particularly bittersweet memory, I tend to talk about myself in the second person...as if trying to see if other people share that particular experience. Mostly, I end up alone with my musings. Perhaps there is a pining that one's heart can never forget completely... perhaps there is that memory that will always remind me of the pain that I felt and thought that I would never forget.)

But I think I did... I hoped I did.

I think I wanted it, though, wanted to feel the bittersweet pain that poets dreamed of, and prayed to the heavens on their knees for... I knew it then, and I don't know if I still want it now, but...

It is is not something I would easily forget. But I must let it go.

----- 

U2. With or without you. 

another one of those anthems...

I wish I never opened that wound. 

Everything else just follows.

----- 

And then, we make a choice. Or someone makes it for us.

And it helps make things clearer by the day, the year...

And then it won't hurt so much anymore...

Someday.


Love, 

S.




Sunday, October 26, 2014

"64"

Sunday, October 26, 2014

 
" will you still love me...when i'm 64?" - The Beatles

------- 

a 10 year-old patient of mine this afternoon asked me, "how old are you?" 

I just smiled, and said, "how old do you think i am?"

"64..." 

hence the beatles song. 

(Gotta love kids. :))

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Stories

Wednesday, October 22, 2014
There's never a boring day in Psychiatry...

I don't think i'll ever tire of talking to people...

Today I ran the gamut of child cases to general adult to consultation-liaison (inpatient Psychiatry), and it has been nothing short of amazing.

It's not easy talking to people...you don't talk to them just the sake of talking to them. And I would never call what I do "counselling"... it connotes something more passive. Counselling is like telling someone what to do, in the best way YOU think is right for him or her...

That doesn't work all the time, you know.

I don't think it is even sitting on a chair, having the other person lie down on a couch and letting them spew their life stories out. Nah...

Cute, but no. It is actually a science...the science of the mind and behavior. We don't just talk to people, we also diagnose... and it takes a lot of experience and guidance to be able to see the nuances, and to do something about them.

The age of the brain and the mind is very exciting. I'm so glad to be on the cusp of my training. <-- I hope to graduate this December. :-)

I'll never tire of the learning... it invigorates me.

:-)


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Maybe you don't have to analyze so much...

Tuesday, October 14, 2014
One time I told some boy a dream I had (he was also in it.)

And he said Analyze it.

I think I've been overworked...I want to take a load off and try to think of something else. Some thing that I actually enjoy doing, but I can't...

I'm too wound up, and when I do think of why I am wound up or why I should do something else, I tend to get dizzy and confused... I just handed in a paper, and because I was so tired, with spirit broken and all, I immediately thought to myself, "Oh, this is trash. This is shit. Pure and simple. This will never make it..."

And then I thought about how you should always believe in yourself, and how negative thoughts will perpetuate negative attitudes... so I ended up with another headache. I just want to keep still, alright and not do anything work-related for a while.

(Everyone else is asleep.)

Maybe I should do it too.... But I can't seem to make myself stop and sleep a few winks.

There is too much at stake.

(What do I do, that would be helpful right this very minute?)

Love,

S.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The happy bunch

Sunday, October 5, 2014
Blogging and Supernatural.

Two of my favorite activities when I can't sleep early in the morning...  My screen is actually split in two right now... Supernatural on the left, and my writing on the right....

(I love both Dean and Sam to bits, I could never pick between the two fine specimens.:))

The past few weeks have been mostly about working for the accreditation, with late nights and no coffee... someone has to think up new ways to keep awake. 

(Back story: one of my coresidents snapped the tube off the water dispenser thing, and we haven't had hot water for coffee for the past few days. It was a good for laughs, though, so no one minded very much.)

It was a mad rush to do some stuff...which we should have done earlier in the year, but it had just been too busy for all of us...we had many things that we needed to do during the year itself. Yet, for many of us, we learned the lesson like we should. 

Preparation is (or was) key. 

All went well, thankfully. We had to deal with documentation, and questions on lectures and supervision, but otherwise, at the end of the day, we were able to know the lessons we needed to learn.

The consultant who was assigned to us , after talking about the serious stuff, made a comment about how he loved Dumaguete City so much, and how he was going to settle and retire there. 

(I've been hearing this from so many other people in the past. I think they come to Dumaguete, and fall in love with it. It's home too, and most of the time, I know that I will go back....but for now, I'm having the time of my life here. right here.)

To sum it all up, we can never get back the time we've lost for now having supervision, but for a very nicer note, they noted that we were a happy bunch of residents...

(And in life, and residency, when times can get really tough, that matters a lot.)

Or am I just waxing sentimental? haha.

Love, 

S. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Thoughts (and Baby Kracken)

Saturday, September 13, 2014
It's another one of those rainy nights in Manila. We get them a lot, and it really doesn't bother me anymore. For the whole 4 years that I have been here, it has only flooded once near where I live.

(Thank heavens for that.)

My apartment is right near the hospital and I mostly spend time in the on-call room anyway. It almost seems like I'm married to my work, but when I'm here, however, I mostly am doing both. Work and play...because everything gets so tedious, and you just want to be close by to what you need to do.

I am having trouble finishing my work and thus I need to get my thoughts out on paper... Writing isn't fast enough for me though. My thoughts are diarrheic, and they are most of the things that I will worry about in the month to come. I am in trouble. So many things to do, and so little time.

I can't bring myself to get started, though.

For some reason, I went to my favorite online source, and googled, "How to get a clearer mind"...

I got a listing of articles on "how to think clearly..." or "how blogging helped me organize my life..." Those kinds of sites. Anyway, there was this interesting one that I clicked and it said that, if one was stuck, one should write down everything in one's mind... and then arrange them later.

These ideas or thoughts should be written down under columns of  "To be done, " "Maybe later", and "delete". So ok, hmm... let's give this a go.

(Take note that this is only an exercise, and not all of what I am going through right now.)

> To be done:
     - the medicolegal reports
     - the protocol
     - organizing my desk
     - fixing my file drawer

> Maybe later
     - the new official blog i'm doing for work
     - the schedule of activities
     - the census (although this should be the one that goes first.)

> Delete
     - The gnawing feeling of fear that's building up in my chest.
     - The suggestion to watch a movie (Rorouni Kenshin) on the 24th (haha.)
     - writing someone a letter...and then sending it by mail.
     - working out and jogging daily.
     - planning for a writing extravaganza
     - sleeping 8 hours every night.

I really actually feel like I've turned into a scatterbrained, frightful bore...

(I'm even boring myself with this entry... I don't have much to do these days, but immerse myself in work. *tears* And of course, I can't talk about my patients. :-))

This will all be over and through in October, and then after that, we'll have to work on something else.

Please pray for me and my coresidents. We will be going through a whole lot of hardship and examinations in the next month. May we all come out victors.

:-)

P.S.

One of my favorite babies now...



That's Baby Kracken, Chamie and Tope's new baby (born September 11th, 2014). She's a darling. :-D

Love,

S.

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