Thoughts (and Baby Kracken)



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It's another one of those rainy nights in Manila. We get them a lot, and it really doesn't bother me anymore. For the whole 4 years that I have been here, it has only flooded once near where I live.

(Thank heavens for that.)

My apartment is right near the hospital and I mostly spend time in the on-call room anyway. It almost seems like I'm married to my work, but when I'm here, however, I mostly am doing both. Work and play...because everything gets so tedious, and you just want to be close by to what you need to do.

I am having trouble finishing my work and thus I need to get my thoughts out on paper... Writing isn't fast enough for me though. My thoughts are diarrheic, and they are most of the things that I will worry about in the month to come. I am in trouble. So many things to do, and so little time.

I can't bring myself to get started, though.

For some reason, I went to my favorite online source, and googled, "How to get a clearer mind"...

I got a listing of articles on "how to think clearly..." or "how blogging helped me organize my life..." Those kinds of sites. Anyway, there was this interesting one that I clicked and it said that, if one was stuck, one should write down everything in one's mind... and then arrange them later.

These ideas or thoughts should be written down under columns of  "To be done, " "Maybe later", and "delete". So ok, hmm... let's give this a go.

(Take note that this is only an exercise, and not all of what I am going through right now.)

> To be done:
     - the medicolegal reports
     - the protocol
     - organizing my desk
     - fixing my file drawer

> Maybe later
     - the new official blog i'm doing for work
     - the schedule of activities
     - the census (although this should be the one that goes first.)

> Delete
     - The gnawing feeling of fear that's building up in my chest.
     - The suggestion to watch a movie (Rorouni Kenshin) on the 24th (haha.)
     - writing someone a letter...and then sending it by mail.
     - working out and jogging daily.
     - planning for a writing extravaganza
     - sleeping 8 hours every night.

I really actually feel like I've turned into a scatterbrained, frightful bore...

(I'm even boring myself with this entry... I don't have much to do these days, but immerse myself in work. *tears* And of course, I can't talk about my patients. :-))

This will all be over and through in October, and then after that, we'll have to work on something else.

Please pray for me and my coresidents. We will be going through a whole lot of hardship and examinations in the next month. May we all come out victors.

:-)

P.S.

One of my favorite babies now...



That's Baby Kracken, Chamie and Tope's new baby (born September 11th, 2014). She's a darling. :-D

Love,

S.

Basketball fever



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Street Ball. Half-court (half-street) type. Ermita, Manila. April 8 2014. Photo by: S.

Lazarus



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Most times, I like cereal without the milk, coffee without the fuss, and being at work, without having to actually do work.

Today is one of those days… :-)

After an especially stressful week, I’ve decided to give myself a day’s break (because tomorrow, I’m going to be seeing patients again, and Lord knows we are going to go on and on when that comes around…)

So I did. After taking a shower, I lazed in bed with my favorite criminal minds series and had a bit of fun watching. After a while, I began having guilty feelings for not doing anything. So I’m sitting up now, and doing what best gets me into a good work mode.

(Yes, I’m blogging again. :-))
-----

A couple of years ago, I closed down my blog because of certain problems with privacy. In the whole time, I felt quite stifled…lost and floundering in the cloistered walls of my mind. ß I’d normally tell myself that one of these days, I was going to open up another new blog and “move on”.
I never did, though. I was blogging in tumblr, and then wordpress…but it never felt as comfortable as I wanted.

Anyway, to make the long story short, I’m back to blogging again.

No fanfare, I suppose. Just a few words to get my blogging habit started.

----

It’s been two years…I believe I’ve changed some as a person, but I’d also like to believe my spirit is unbroken.

You’ve been with me for a while  now, and I’ve shared many things.

I learned more about myself too.

Perhaps it is time to do that again.

Love,



S.







































Disclaimer



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I've decided to take a breather from Blogging, as I felt that my words were being twisted by some people, and misinterpreted... I do not want to mislead anyone into thinking that they were the people I intended this blog for.

The title defines a habit I have...that of putting off doing things until just the very last minute, and in no way is a "hidden message" of any sort. There are no secrets here. None, only semi-secrets that I do not necessarily want the whole world to know about. 

I have nothing to hide...and my words are true for the time I have them written them down...I won't be able to say the same for all the days theretofore.

My life has been a series of events that have led up to this present moment...and I am not sure how things are going to be from now on. I just realized that I have to make every moment and every choice count.

Because before I know it, it will all have ended, and I will only have been full of regret over the things that I did not do well.

Things are going to be tough in the next few days. wish me luck, please...

Love, 

S.



Photo: Chamie's "Copper Creations"



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My friend and coresident Chamie makes these cool copper bracelets by hand in her spare time. One morning, she took some of these baubles and had me try it on.

"But my hands are vein-y..." I said, with a dash of arte,  and whining..
"It's fine, 'Tep, you're not vain."

haha... She guessed later, that i meant veins. not the other thing.

:-)

Love,

S.

Chamie's handmade copper bracelet, and cocktail ring. October 3, 2012. PGH, Manila.


Photo: Bogart the Explorer



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I was at the CosPlay event at the SMX Mall of Asia, and guess who we bumped into... Youtube celebrity, Bogart the Explorer! :-)

Bogart The Explorer, and moi. SMX, September 30, 2012.


check out his stuff here... Bogart The Explorer -- The Philippine Snatcher. 

:-p

Love,

S.

The Dream.



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Just a few minutes ago, I woke up with a start.

The phone had rang, and I had just heard a surgery resident on the other end, asking about the psych resident on-duty. <—he meant of course, my Junior duty-mate, Joff, as the first years usually handle the ER cases, unless of course, they’re of Sexual abuse/Child psych/Pay.

 

What a weird dream…

The vestiges of my dream remain, and I do remember the vivid images of some alien kingdom, where, an evil twin sister-in-law of the king challenges his rule. In the scene, he accidentally stabs himself with the sword. and While the evil twin sister looks on, the queen decides to stab herself, and the baby inside her as an offering (since the father, the king was dead anyway).

I remember the big, jeweled sword, sink into the voluminous folds of her gold, multi-layered dress, and shuddered (in my dream), why would someone do that??

----

I did a report on Dreams once, with Dr. BVR looking on, and supervising us pre-residents, as well as more senior residents during that time. I had specifically volunteered for it, as dreams were an interesting topic, and in Psychiatry, there was no one else who knew more than he did. Smile

So when I had this dream, I was especially worried.

Dreams usually are more useful if the dreamer interprets the dream himself or herself. Symbolisms abound, but they are only significant if the dreamer makes sense of it on his or her own.

Psychiatrists don’t do that for them. Psychoanalysis is quite strict on the matter.

----

So what does that mean?

Perpetuating death?

The evil twin sister looking on?

Garish clothing and royalty?

I don’t know, really… I’m still trying to make heads or tails out of it…

 

Dreams are symbolic representations of inner, unconscious wishes and desires which come out during our less guarded moments, i.e. sleep. For most of us, our anxieties and problems stem from some hidden desires or conflicts that we would rather not talk about during when we are awake, and therefore are troublesome. The ego (that part of our psyche which balances out our basic “animal” desires and correspondingly our strict sense of conscience) tries to maintain sleep and prevents our problems from coming out and ruining our peaceful sleep.

From my readings on psychoanalysis, dreams are not to be interpreted by the therapist, rather, the patient is helped along in interpreting it.

So… I think, for now,this morning, in my fuzzy state of mind, I would believe that the evil twin sister is a side of me…that’s allowing an integral/important aspect of my work (i.e. looking on) or my personality die. I’m letting my work ethic die. and with the killing of the baby, every little aspect of whatever good could be, i.e. success in my career, die.

 

yes, I think that is it.

Sad smile

---

Boy, am I awake.

Photos: American Idol 2012 Live!



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watched with Joff and Ghea. :-p

The Frutcy guy took our picture. we scrambled for tickets actually.

It was just before Joff's grand rounds in teh morning, when I was about to confess that I didn't get to get tickets. and Mia was like, "Break it to him gently...". Joff's a big fan.

AI show. live. lol..

Phillip Phillips stole the show. literally.

"White Shirt, and Pants."

yun lang.

winner. :-p


Love,

S.

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