The Calendar Rule

(I’m sure you’ve heard of it.)

“It’s always best to have babies early…that way, you’ll still be young when they grow up…” she said.

I was quietly sitting at the side table near the nurses’ station this morning, quietly summing up the intake and output data of my patients for the past 24 hours when I overheard the above mentioned snippet from a conversation.

I smiled, and thought to myself, “Here we go again.”

Because I got curious (I am always interested to hear people talk about their opinions), I decided to put in a question, “Why, Ma’am, what do you think is the best marrying age, then?” I asked without pretense, or any hint of sarcasm. She was a married woman, she had kids, and most importantly, she had an opinion, so I pressed on.

“Well, I got married at 27, but if I were to choose, I would have married way earlier, like maybe 22 or something…” She said as a she worked. “Why, look at L., she and her kid will be just like brother and sister when her child grows up.”

“Uh-hmm…” I nodded quietly, waiting for her to go on.

“How about you, doc, when are you planning to have children?” she asked me.

“Well, let’s see…I think I’ll start having children when my monthly allowance/salary gets to more than Php 5000.00, at least….” I joked.

(We medical interns get that amount for working in the hospital. Since I live with my parents right now, I live on that for now, and these days, I’m guilt-ridden every time I have to ask for an allowance.)

We had a bit of a laugh after that, and the conversation was shifted to another topic. Eventually, everyone had to start getting back to work.

The topic popped into my head when I got home, and had no intention of relenting from my thoughts until I did something about it. I wasn’t getting anywhere with my studying so I decided that talking about it was going to give it a release of sorts (so I can go back to my life.haha.)

To be perfectly honest, I don’t intend on spending my life as a career woman, just focused on work and the path to “success”, where it would be highly likely that before I know it, I will have been old and grey and will be dying alone. Or worse…

That can’t be helped, because that is a common image people have of women in Medicine. Many doctors I know have been doing just that, focusing on work until one day, they come to realize that time had passed them by, and it was too late to do anything about it. There is a stereotype attached to women doctors sometimes, and I for one think it’s derogatory. That of being a mangkay, or an old maid, or a spinster…a woman who had apparently been to hard to reach for the common man, a woman so choosy because she could afford to be with her high stature, that in the end, she ended up with no one, all alone, and growing older by the day.

While I have nothing against getting married early, I do feel that sometimes, people tend to go overboard with the “Calendar Rule.” What is the calendar rule, you ask? Well, it’s something I coined, based on some people’s notions that once a woman hits the age of thirty, she’s “old” and therefore “undesirable” and therefore, would have a hard chance of getting married.

My goodness.

It’s a bit silly, if you ask me.

Perhaps we equate a woman’s desirability with her youth too often that we have failed to consider that maybe women who reach the age of thirty are not about to be discounted in the looks division, too, or in the fertility aspect… A woman in her thirties would probably be a better-adjusted mother, more accomplished and more capable of dealing with making choices. The thing about not being able to “adjust” to your child because you’re a good 30 years older than he/she would be is just unfounded. Any woman willing to make the effort can do so, if you ask me.

Perhaps it won’t be fair to these women to relegate them as “old-maids” and spinsters, because they chose not to think about settling down before they’re thirty. Being a good mother doesn’t mean that you have to be within 20 years older than your kid, I’m sure, but it’s about being the best person and example you can be for your child.

It takes a long time for a person to become matured, and in my opinion, honestly, I think a mother who has gone through the usual hang-ups, the usual myriad of uncertainties of being young will be a better mother, because she is more adjusted. But when would that age be?

Sure, they say that as a woman grows older, she will have a higher risk of delivering, well,high-risk babies (i.e. Down’s Syndrome, babies with birth defects, etc, etc…), but then again, so is the young mother who, yes, had babies young, but was not matured enough to stop drinking while she was pregnant… Also, everything is a gamble, including genetics, and if there’s one thing I know, it all really boils down to probabilities and possibilities. There is no such thing as a sure thing.

I mean, it’s a case to case basis. It’s not fair to simply say that having babies at a young age would guarantee a better childhood and a better family, while, those who are over thirty are sure to be having problems, or worse, not be having any family to speak of…

*whew*

I’m resisting the urge to tug at my collar to let off some steam, because I am literally sounding like I’m about to burst from the effort of containing my opinions to myself. Maybe I’m writing for me, the twenty-seven year-old me, who wants to wait and focus on my goals today…and the thirty-year-old me, who wants to have babies when she’s ready, and she’s found the right man (or he’s found her.:-))

It’s like this, I don’t want to be having to stroll into a mall with my child, where, I know he’ll be going over to an attractive spot and be soon persuading me to buy him something he fancies. I don’t want to be the kind of mother who flips the book/toy over to look for the price tag and be a little dismayed because I find that it won’t fit my budget (nor his dad’s budget), because, eventually, I’ll be feeling bad that I won’t be able to give him that privilege. I want to be the mother who holds his hand while he pulls me to that place where he found this magical toy or book and be readily able to pay for it and get it for him, because I’ve seen how his eyes sparkle just by finding it. And then, we’ll go home and I’ll be able to play with him, share the satisfaction of getting that toy or book with him. His dad will be happy, too, and everything will follow.

*sigh*

I’m wishing for things to be perfect, and I want to be someone my child can be proud of. I want him to have a comfortable life, that’s all. Financially and emotionally in the very near future, I’m trying to be ready.

SO while I’m getting on with my life, I don’t want to have to feel that once I’m 30, I’ll be worth less (or, ironically, worth too much) for my own good, just because other people think or say so.

And besides, in all fairness, I think women get better with age, anyway. Women get less awkward, and enjoy themselves as they fulfill more and more of their goals each time. Life, sex and love included.

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Now do you remember the “Calendar Rule”?

;-)

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Disclaimer: Strictly a case to case basis. This blogger would like to reiterate that there is definitely nothing wrong with getting married young. At the time of writing, the blogger is currently single, recently broken-up, earning 5000 per month and about to take the medical licensure board exam in 3 months.