Lazarus

Most times, I like cereal without the milk, coffee without the fuss, and being at work, without having to actually do work.

Today is one of those days… :-)

After an especially stressful week, I’ve decided to give myself a day’s break (because tomorrow, I’m going to be seeing patients again, and Lord knows we are going to go on and on when that comes around…)

So I did. After taking a shower, I lazed in bed with my favorite criminal minds series and had a bit of fun watching. After a while, I began having guilty feelings for not doing anything. So I’m sitting up now, and doing what best gets me into a good work mode.

(Yes, I’m blogging again. :-))

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A couple of years ago, I closed down my blog because of certain problems with privacy. In the whole time, I felt quite stifled…lost and floundering in the cloistered walls of my mind. ß I’d normally tell myself that one of these days, I was going to open up another new blog and “move on”.

I never did, though. I was blogging in tumblr, and then wordpress…but it never felt as comfortable as I wanted.

Anyway, to make the long story short, I’m back to blogging again.

No fanfare, I suppose. Just a few words to get my blogging habit started.

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It’s been two years…I believe I’ve changed some as a person, but I’d also like to believe my spirit is unbroken.

You’ve been with me for a while  now, and I’ve shared many things.

I learned more about myself too.

Perhaps it is time to do that again.

Love,

S.

Looking.

Earlier today, I was walking in the mall with a friend to get to a dinner in a restaurant with a bunch of people after work (but it was still work-related somehow). I noticed a group of guys at a table look in our direction while we were talking to our table.

Me: (Later when we were seated) Hey man, do you know those people?

Friend: Which ones?

Me: Those guys on the front table...Friends of yours from school?

Friend: No, why?

Me: Well, they were looking at us when we came in. I thought they were looking at me, and then i thought maybe you knew them...

Friend: (smiles) No, they were looking at me, and thinking what a lucky guy I was, 'cause you were with me.

(Haha. high five, dude pare. :-))

yon ang linya.


:-)

Love,

S.

Eureka (or “Why I Love Book Sale”)

There is this thing I do when I’m feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders…

After a long day at work (and when things don’t seem to going my way), I have a favorite pastime…

I lay down all my bags and work stuff on the floor…shake my hair out from the tight ponytail, put on my dorky glasses,  put on the most comfortable clothes and go to this little nook in the mall called “Book Sale”.

For an escapist in a urban landscape, I find it meaningfully relaxing to lose myself in the piles and stacks of books. It is a rummage of sorts, a free-for-all hunt for that elusive second-hand volume which you can’t otherwise get for less than 200 pesos if it’s new.

I’m a sucker for sales… especially for books. I’m a self-professed cheapskate who has never had a lot of books of my own growing up (unless of course they were text books.).

Whatever I learned, I learned on my own… I never had a teacher, a guide, no one to recommend to me the next Pulitzer prize read that would inculcate the values of the masters… And I suppose, not a lot of people who could talk to me about the finer points of reading the classics, such as Dostoevsky or Nabokov.

(My older cousin, a voracious reader himself, was, but he once told me that I was as fickle as they come, and that I had never stuck to one interest, so that turned me off.)

I would fancy myself a connoisseur, because I had read a little of everything, from encyclopedias, to comic books, to the illustrated books over the years,  to graphic novels, and now, just recently, to the classics and poetry. I’d love to someday just be able to have the time to sit down and read through a book without having to worry about work tomorrow.  I just plain love reading…

Growing up, I didn’t have much money to buy books… they weren’t high on the priority list of wants.

So, I rented… =) 

When I was in grade school, I had a classmate, Ellezer, who rented out his paperbacks and Archie comic books, for 3 pesos each. This shouldn’t have been a problem now, but then I do remember that in 3rd grade, I only had a meager allowance of 20 pesos a day.  I could still remember him, E., thin and fair, with spiky hair, a slight overbite, and a a mole that took up most of his little chin, (in an adorable childlike fashion, of course). He also had long fingernails, with thin fingers, which I remember really well because I remembered how his hands looked like when he asked for the "fee". He’d bring a number of books to school and rent them out to us during recess, and then we’d read them during the day. My seatmate Michael and I were regular customers. So was Antoine (he has a ton of books now.). 

We’d read them in our desks while the teacher was giving a lecture.  I almost got in trouble with this, but I couldn’t help it, because in third grade, it seems, every book is a page turner.  

One day, while we were in English class, I was reading this beautifully thick picture book about the Ancient past (which Jyanne pronounced as “An-See-Yehnt” then), my teacher caught me, and asked me a question,

“Ok, Sonia, tell us, what happened next in the story?”

The class was talking about a story in the textbook about the Legend of how the Hundred Islands came to be, and she was going around class, asking us questions about the story.

Looking up from the book I had [discreetly] read at the side, half hidden in my schoolbag, I answered, “Well, Ma’am, they became envious of each other, and started arguing.”

Satisfied, I suppose, she left me alone, and called another of my classmates. I had already read the all the stories in my third grade textbook weeks before, of course. I had moved on to other books. Sadly, I didn’t get to finish the book as English was the last class of the day, and the owner of the book took it home with her.

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I don’t know why I’m writing about memories from when I was a kid. I’m not even middle-aged yet. *grin*

----

Anyway, I buy a book when I feel worn out, or sad, or just plain tired, usually. Its always a pleasure to burrow into the book shelves, and lose my self in the titles in the stacks. It’s a shot of dopamine right there.

(As of that moment, the whole, wide, crazy world had dropped away, and I was lost in the mellifluous harmony of beautiful words in my mind.)

I bought myself a bookshelf supposedly for my textbooks for residency…well, I ended up with books from Alvin Toffler to Tennessee Williams to even…Dacre Stoker (right, Bram’s grandson.haha).

A book is a drug, and I’m a junkie...

----

When I was younger, I was really into someone who read a lot of books…  And you know how I have the tendency to try to do things for a boy if I really liked him (i.e. practice writing in Chinese, learn how to cook)? Well, I tried that…I tried to read books he had already read… so he’d be impressed, and maybe, well, like me too (haha).

It ended badly. It was fun at first, but then it seemed like a chore after a while. It was almost like a race, a competition…it even felt like…studying. *grin*

So I don’t do that anymore….well, maybe I’d read some of the books on his list, but I wouldn’t want that to be the end-all and be-all. The joys of reading is not meant to be of any pursuit of a goal, except of course, that of pleasure.

So help me.

Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to do any catching up. Maybe someone out there might like the books I like too. Maybe he’d go giddy at reading Christopher Marlowe, or drool over the majesty of Neil Gaiman’s work…or, quiver with pleasure at reading Rilke, swoon at the or blush when he reads Shakespearean sonnets… *sigh*

I’m hopeless.

(haha.)

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Speaking of books..and sales… here’s a line from my latest acquisition, a novel by Julith Jedamus, The Book of Lies :

“You may think that the sheaf of paper you hold in your hands is a book. It is not.  You may presume that the fine black lines that fill its pages describe a world that exists, but you are mistaken. Do not be deceived. What you are about to read is as empty as a locust shell, and as immaterial as smoke.

It is a house of lies.”

(Antaray… )

-----

So anyway, I bought that. And now, I’m going to read it…

Seeya.

Love,

S.

Pardon Me, I'm a charm-school drop-out. :-p (March 17,2012. Leila's party.)

Video: I Wanna Dance With Somebody

I had a hard time sleeping last night... I had been on the couch all day because of the flu, but I couldn't seem to fall asleep. It was the 18th...and for some reason, I was kind of anxious... vicariously so.

At one point, I saw on CNN that Whitney Houston's friends and family were holding a "home-going" service for her, and many of the industry's artists were going to be presenting. In between little naps, I'd gone through announcements, to TMZ's spoofs of Bobby Brown's performance, until finally...I got to the ceremony itself.

"Wow," I remembered saying to myself. There was indeed a lot of love in that room for  Whitney "Nippy" Houston. Kevin Costner's speech was particularly amusing. And so was Alicia Keys' song. Kind of impromptu, but hey, that's talent. 

I grew up on Whitney Houston songs... my earliest one being "The greatest love of all", which my grandmother would let me sing at her CWL meetings when I was a skinny little runt of a kid...and probably the most fun one being the time when I lip-synched to "I wanna dance with somebody" when I was around 6 years old for a kiddie pageant (oh I loved being on stage! :-)). 

My favorite would have to be The Bodyguard's "I Will Always Love You", which up to now, I can still sing from start to end (but only when I'm alone, and only when I'm in a shower-like environment.) ;-)  The Bodyguard was released in 1992, and I was in grade school that time... it was the first movie I watched in the movie theater alone. I remember that it was packed, so i ended up sitting on the aisle. Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed it, most especially "I Have Nothing". :-)

I like "Saving All My Love for You." too.

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I loved Whitney Houston. When you're a 90's kid, like me, you can't help but have her songs in your feel-good playlist. She was a familiar voice who always reminded me of home and good times growing up. 

RIP, Whitney.

Love, 

S.

Typewriter love.

Photo: Pops and Mamita

Pops and Ma at Lemuel's Wedding. December 30th, 2011. Photo By: S.

Two of the funniest people I know...  :-)

(For someone born only two months after my mother, my father really likes to make fun of their age differences...saying that he married a [much] older woman. Go figure.)

Happy 31st Anniversary, Mader and Pops!

We love you!

- Phanie and Donskie.

(Ma was born December 13th, and Pop, February 22. What a difference two months makes...haha.)

Photo: Promise at 9 months

One afternoon, Promise visited the callroom right before getting her due shots. She looked really cute in a pink tutu and a be-ribboned top. This is me having fun with her while waiting for her "mummy" to finish seeing her patients.

My godchild Promise is now 9 months old. (Where'd all the time go? :-))

 

One of my friends told me, "S., if you're going to be dating this year, maybe you shouldn't post so many pictures of you holding babies. Baka they'll think you're a mom or something..." And i'm like, "Oh, eff that...why wouldn't i want to post a picture as gooey gooey with Ninang-Baby love as this one?" 

(Promise was in a good mood on this day, I suppose. However, I also look forward to having the "best shoulders" when the time comes Promise needs one. :-)

(I love the little chipmunk! :-))

Love,


S.

Photo: Sunset in the Sky

Sunset in the Sky. January 1, 2012. Photo By: S.

I love the fiery, but nonetheless quiet, drama of sunsets...

...and I have to say that although my flight got delayed to Manila got delayed and we had to hover for almost an hour in midair, I liked the fact that I ended up with a pretty picture (well, pictures, actually. :-)).

Sunsets can be pretty symbolic;  the end of a good day, the prequel to a new one, or it can be just a plain sentimental memory, like maybe a beautiful sunset shot off Rizal Boulevard. But this one's pretty different, because, for one thing, i took it up in the sky.  :-)

How often does one get to catch that?

(At least, not for me, most of my trips have been early in the morning, or in the middle of the afternoon.)

:-)

It seems like an unconventional sunset picture...with clouds and more clouds in the horizon. 

I take that as a lucky omen.

An unconventional sunset...to symbolize an unconventional, but hopefully good, year ahead?

I hope so. :-)

Happy New Year. :-)

Love,

S.

Photos by: Me. :-)

Oh, and some family pictures thrown in. Not everyone could make it, though. But doesn't green look totally...funky fresh? :-)

:-) Love. Fun.

Photo: JS Prom, Take 2

Prom. Photo by: Roz.

And so, for our high school* reunion, the Class of 2006 thought up the theme of J/S Prom...and so we ended up looking like this. Prom is prom, and this salmon pink number that I got off a rack is getting to be quite a fun pick. :-) Prom should be fun and carefree. :-)

Anyway, these are some of my classmates who came to the "prom" . My best buds in High School (sans Ria, whose baby had an asthma exacerbation at the time) were there. Antoine and Ivy picked me up at the salon...and I got a ribbing for "going all-out"...and I was like, hey, it took me 13 years to have another chance to dress up at prom, so why not? LOL"

:-)

It was a fun night... so good to see familiar faces. :-)

Something tells me "Makati Nights" are going to get more frequent from now on, considering there are a lot of us based in Manila now. <-- Makati, much to Antoine's delight, because he lives there, is the middle of everyone's location, so there. :-)

Happy New Year, folks!

Love,

~ S.

* high school  = RTPM Dumaguete Science High School (the regional science high school for Central Visasyas)

Video: Valerie

:-) This is my favorite Amy Winehouse song... I like Bruno Mars' version, but this one is in a class all its own.

Amy Winehouse literally, rocks. <-- even if they just did a cover.

Love,

S.

Collage: pop of color

And so I've come up with the idea of making collages for everybody...and printing them out as Christmas Presents...after I've done a "vanity" one of my own. :-)

'If one spends all year taking pictures of everybody/people, one ends up with a lot of pictures to put in a collage." - Me.

Let's see if it works. haha.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

~ S.

Talking to the moon

"Moonshine".  December 12, 2011. Ermita, Manila. 

I’ve had a session in supervision today… my supervisor came over to the department and we saw one of my long-staying patients, one of the most difficult cases I’ve had so far. She’s been admitted almost 5 weeks (our target is acute care – 2weeks.).

The visit from the supervisor was a great help, especially in cases like these. I entertained a neurological problem, but the scans were clean. I was kind of grasping at straws, but as per request, I think I’ll have to change medications to a faster acting neuroleptic.

(The gratification for one’s work in psychiatry is of the much-delayed type. It can take months. Years. )

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One of the nurses at the ward, has a sort of “gift”. I’ve never really explored it, but sometimes, just for fun, we ask him for a “reading”. With almost crystal ball-accuracy, he can give you a reading of your current state of affairs. When I was in the ward earlier and waiting for a procedure to be done, I asked him, “Hey sir, does your spirit guide have any message for me today?” and I chuckled.

He smiled, and thought for a little while… while I worked on some paperwork. Presently, he said to me, “You seem sad..like you’re walking around in sort of a daze. Your happiness should not depend on anyone, or anything for that matter…it should come from within.”

I guess he’s right…I’m pretty tired. And I've been really tired lately…

And then a few minutes later, he comes up to me and says, “Ma’am, I think I remember what I told you before, ‘If you settle for something right now, that’s all you’ll ever do, and that’s all you’ll ever get.’ “  I just gave a small smile, and said thanks. I mused about it, of course… I’ve realized, ever since he first said it, that I tended towards settling.

Maybe it’s time to think about myself and not about other things, or other people. Settling is not good…I deserve to be in a situation that would make me the best person I could be, and the happiest.

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I had a camera discussion with a friend earlier.

Yes, my Lumix is a beauty, and when I’ll have time, I’ll go do boulevard sunset shots, and shoot my favorite subjects.

People.

By the way, I took that picture above while listening to Sara Bareilles’ “Wherever the Wind Blows” when I got home tonight. I’ve been trying out the different settings.

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Oh, and by the way, when I get stressed, I tend to sleep a lot.

Love, 

S.

P.S. The inspiration for the title came from Bruno Mars'. "Talking to the moon". <- Which is like somewhere out there, but more hiphop. ;-)

Photos: Prom Night

Last night was the department's Christmas Party...themed "J/S Prom" (by Mer), entitled "The Sparkling Ball" (by well, Me.) :-) I thought I'd share some pictures...these don't happen very often. Only on Christmas. :-)

That's our group performing a dance number to Adam Levine's "Moves like Jagger". :-)

Me and my beloved batchmates. :-p <-- i guess everyone had an awesome time. :-)

Chamie won "Best Dressed" and got to bring her favorite prom date (and well, you might as well call him her "forever date"), Tope, to the party. :-)

Dr. "JLo" (not her real name), one of my supervisors, was also there, and I got to pose with her.  After this picture, though, she reminded me, "Hey Steph. Don't forget to schedule supervision." (haha.)

Everyone had fun. I believe great parties are the ultimate equalizers.

(Well, not for every situation, but hey, you get the idea, right?)

That's our batch with some of the pre-residents...who'll be incoming first year next year. :-)

I got nominated Prom Princess, yes, but no, I didn't get the "Most Manic" award...that belonged to someone else, of course. :-p

What's a party without a congo line?? :-)

My favorite girls. My batchmates Chamie and Trina! :-)

:-) It was a fun party, really. Can't wait for next year's party! :-)

 

Love, 

S.

Photo: Brown-haired little darlings

 The Brown-haired little darlings. December 5,2011. Ermita, Manila. 

Chamie and I passed these ladies on their way to their company party... Jessi Mendez. ;-)

such fun, fun pops of color. :-) They posed gamely when I asked. 

Love, 

S.

How can you not love perfection? :-(

 This video was from the Breaking Dawn soundtrack... it particularly doesn't mean anything for me, nor is it dedicated to anyone in particular right now, but I have to say, this evoked some stirrings in my heart. 

 Ah, but "...the heart has reasons for which reason knows nothing of..." - Blaise Pascal

 And there is the promise of someone. :-)

 Love, 

 S.

The L word...

What starts with "L", and makes my heart beat like crazy?

Why, the LX5 (by Panasonic), of course. :-)

(Although L-O-V-E does have the same effect on me, for some reason.) 

Presenting pictures taken from my new electronic "boyfriend"... ( I just bought this today, 11:20AM to be exact, and these are the first few pictures I ever took.)

picture 1: I couldn't even wait to get home to check it out...i just picked out a coffee place and played with it right out of the box. :-) 

Life's discoveries are often made alone.

Secret admirer. November 30, 2011. Robinsons Manila.

Coffee shop action. November 30, 2011. Robinsons Manila. 

The Lumix is relatively easy to handle, despite the fact that I've been a Canon user for the past 3 years. :-) I was just playing with the Macro and the thing with the old lady being a "secret admirer". It's pretty cool, it even makes generic shots look really nice. 

Instant sparks. This baby and I will have many many hours of fun together. :-)

:-D.

More pictures later. as it turns out, my cousins are coming over, so I won't have to watch Breaking Dawn alone. :-)

(I can't wait to try it out...when it's less "hot" outside. haha. :-) My second love. and my second camera, another day for the books. )

Love, 

S. 

Video: What's my name?

:-) like i was saying...one of the perks of living alone is that you get to sing along to Rihanna songs at any time of the day in your skivvies even. Love, S.

Duty Notes: Late nights/early mornings

It’s nearly one AM, and I just got back up here in the call room, after having admitted a patient from the ER.

In the still hours of pre-dawn (my favorite time for writing), I don’t feel sleep at all. No hint of the need for somnolence has come to me, so far.

(It helps to have a huge mug of 3-in-1 instant coffee handy.)

My friend Anne, who came over for a visit, is currently snoozing on one of the bunk beds, and I can’t help but smile. I am amused at her story of the lack of sleep from work making her all cranky and stuff. Bless her heart, I think about my sleeping habits, and I thank my lucky stars that I haven’t gotten to that point yet…

Anyway, how was my day?

Well, it’s not over yet, that’s for sure… there’s a patient waiting for me at the ER, but the intern gets first dibs with the interview. As the “more senior” person on the hospital totem pole, I get to wait and do some work while she gets her learning done.

(In this case, that “work” would be blogging.)

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I got myself this duty schedule because I wanted to attend my cousin’s birthday party at their new condo unit in Pasig later today. This will be a veritable gathering of the Miaco clan in these parts of Luzon, and therefore, something that should not be missed. He said I should get my voice ready because it’s going to be a videoke party all the way ‘til night.   Definitely something to look forward to. Kuya Ick and his family have always been really nice to me, and they called me saying I specifically had to come. I ‘m looking forward to it. I love parties.

I haven’t gotten him a present, though.

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My day started with an ER consult. Needless to say, I can’t talk about the patient, but this I can say, the intricate artwork of his tattoos were amazing. There were names and roses, and a lot of other things. I wasn’t able to interview him thoroughly though, because at that time, he was in pain. I was thus drawn to the fine details of his skin art, made more clear by the tautness of his muscles…

This afternoon, I realized how hard it is to help people who don’t know (or refuse to know about) what is wrong with them. What makes it much worse is if their caregivers don’t even believe in the same. In the usual sense, a problem can only be dealt with the moment it is identified as such. So when it came to that point, where insight could not be had, I had to exhaust all my efforts in helping them learn how important it is to take medication.

As in, I hammered the “psychoeducational” truth into them…in Tagalog.

(Aren’t you proud of me?)

Also, one of my patients asked if I did facebook, because he wanted to add me. I politely refused and informed him that being facebook friends was going to be overstepping physician-patient relationship ethics, and I’d rather we focused on his treatment. (Oh, and he asked if I had a boyfriend, whether he and I were on good terms…the usual. To these “probing” questions, I usually ask why they wanted to know. Usually, I just say yes…so that’s the end of the discussion.)

A patient’s mother hugged me today. I’m not really big on hugging in the hospital, so I kind of held back a little. (Is this ok?)

Tonight, I saw what “pain” looked like, in the face of a patient. It was heart-wrenching, yes, but I preferred not to show it.

---

A friend of mine said that talking to me was like a breath of fresh air. (I took that as a compliment.) So did a patient earlier, but hey, I hope they meant that in a general sense.

Usually, I just let them talk. I just listen and say things, and that makes them feel better. One of my favorite psychiatrists in one lecture said that, maybe, what people really needed was not advice, but just to be listened to. That is, in itself, part of psychotherapy.

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I usually like listening to people and their stories, but at the end of the day, I think I’d like it if someone wanted to just sit and listen to me.

(Which is probably why I’m writing this one out.)

 

All in all, a good day. Thank heavens.

Love,

S.

P.S. For some reason, I felt invincible enough to go out of the hospital to buy that camera I’ve had my eye on for the past months…and not get caught. LOL. I eventually decided not to follow my flight of fancy and opted instead to wait a few more days, until I was really “ready”. I’m already in love with the damn camera.

The low point of the day? hmm…I shouldn’t overthink it, but I do dislike (very much) if I don’t get SMS courtesy. By courtesy, I mean that if I ask a question, I fully expect an answer because it would only be right. It’s a pet peeve of mine to be ignored when I ask a question, just because the person on the other line is done getting what they want from you.

It annoys me very much.

And the worst part about it is I can’t do anything about this annoyance, I’m not the type who engages in hysterics if she doesn’t get what she wants. I usually let it simmer, and forget it eventually.

Still, I don’t need the effing aggravation.

Video: I Bruise Easily

I heard this song back when I was in Med School. I've always liked it, maybe even more than her other songs. It's pretty heavy, but I like her styling. :-)


And so I saw it again a couple of weeks on MTV, and i liked the video very much.


"There's a mark in me, like a love heart, carved on a tree..." :-) (such pretty lyrics. )


The video on MTV was about a geisha, coming home from work, peeling her makeup off layer by layer...until she was down to her own bare self. Very much like taking one's own "layers" off, defenses down, and revealing oneself to someone they love. After everything's said and done, you're left at your most vulnerable, as if to say, "Hey, this is me, this is all I have...will you still love me anyway?"


:-) 


But the song itself...well, People are people, and no matter how strong they appear to be, there will always be something that will wound them deep...or even easily. No one should be "more hurtable" than others, because once you really get down to it, everyone bruises easily, they probably just have different ways of showing it.


Love, 


S.




I Bruise Easily lyrics

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
but its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/natasha-bedingfield-lyrics/i-bruise-easily-lyrics.html ]
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle
so be gentle
so be gentle

[Chorus]

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

On the brighter side…

I’d just pulled in a long day at work, with hardly any sleep…I slept some on the couch, but was mostly either talking to my patients, or talking with their parents. It was a holiday yesterday, newly-announced and I had many outpatients come to consult with me despite that.

I’ve been feeling kind of overwhelmed with work lately…I’ve got many patients both in the wards and in the outpatient department, that I haven’t caught up with my schoolwork. I haven’t paid my supervisor a visit in the past couple of weeks, nor have I even talked to my mentor.  In fact, I’ve avoided him for a while, because I couldn’t stay to make chitchat.

I just got home after having dinner with people I  worked with, at the call-room. It was a welcome reprieve. It was fun, actually…good old Cifu soup (yes, I ordered the hot and sour), because most of us were sick (I have the cough and the sniffles) and Mer, the one on duty, was feeling like he was coming down with the flu…

There were like 10 people in the callroom who ended up joining us for dinner at the dining table, and it turned out to be quite enjoyable, a little ribbing here, and a little ribbing there. A little corny joke here, a little teasing there (especially when Trina said she just wanted Donn Mc, and Mer asked if everyone wanted some wine to go with the ‘cheeeze", haha. anyway…)   Just a light-hearted moment…

I just said I wanted to go home. And by “home” I meant a whole bunch of different things… I meant that I missed being pampered at home, being cuddled by my Ma, hugging my Lola, or just being at home in my condo unit, enjoying the peace (and cable tv)… hell, I almost even meant being with someone who just felt like home…

Anyway, I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself. I’m sick, and I just want to laze about, and throw a little fit of helplessness, and have someone make it all go away.  Things at work have been a little overwhelming, and I have to admit, I get down in the dumps sometimes, from the pressure and from the weight of it all. One of my favorite teachers back in medical school, a resident as well, told me that yes, it is normal to be feeling that way, but she said that the thing that was sure to get her out of the doldrums was this, “ Despite what you feel, you have responsibilities to fulfill.” Most of time, you don’t have the luxury to mope, because somebody somewhere was waiting for you to make them feel better.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not thinking of quitting, or going anywhere, or being all resistant in the workplace… hell no! I love my job. And I’m thankful for all this learning I’m getting, and this “adventure” I’m going through, but still, I can’t help but feel like a used dishrag…dirty, and well, soiled. I’m in terrible need of a good picker upper…or a good night’s sleep (whichever comes first).

One time, I was told by one of the consultants that life was not always nice, and people weren’t going to be treating me as nicely as I often expect. “It’s a harsh world out there, Stephanie…don’t you always be thinking that everything is soft and sugarcoated…” [Paraphrased, yes, but I never did think that the world was all peaches and cream. at all.] I’ve had my share of disappointments (boy, have I), I’ve had my share of being hurt by what other people have done or said to me,  I’ve been through a whole lot more than I could possibly tell in these pages…  In a weird way, I’ve adopted a sense of optimism despite all this. Ok, well, I almost lost my arm, and wound up with it being disfigured for the rest of my life,but instead of hiding it, I’ve just decided not to bother. After all, funnily enough, it has become a good conversation starter with other people, as well as patients so it doesn’t bother me anymore. (A friend of Chamie’s said that he didn’t even notice my arm when he first saw me…all he noticed was, well, me. ) I got some constructive criticism lately, and instead of dwelling on it too much (although I did for 48 hours), I decided to make it work in my favor…(long story, haha). One time, I promised someone I wouldn’t hurt him, but I wound up getting the worst emotional beating any girl could stand anyway, and I wound up being the one who had to take the brunt. LOL…but that was in the past. Out of that foolhardy endeavor years ago, I developed the ability to laugh about it, and know that it could never work out because I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love himself enough (and who had short legs).

To make the long story short…there will always be a way to make things better, and a way to look at situations in a different way…

I understand that this is getting to be a sob story, and that I’m ranting about my problems with work… I’m sorry, I don’t need validation, nor anyone to feel sorry for me. LOL

Actually, I’m just feeling bad that I’m sick and all the way out here when my family is an hour’s ride away by plane, celebrating my brother’s birthday. I wish I could be there, but right now, I can’t. So I’m doing the next best thing…taking this night off to rest my weary bones (and heart), and watch Crazy, Stupid Love, and sleep in my warm, comfy bed (that smells of home)…

….Until, well, about 6AM tomorrow, when I’ll have to go on rounds at the ward again.

Toodles.

Love,

~ S.

(P.s. who cares if Mark Twain thinks first drafts should be edited “because they’re crap”? I’ll pass on the editing, and opt for catharsis. for now. Thanks for being a good audience. )\