Serenity

"Serenity", the word, came to mind while I was standing in the chilly, crisp early morning air, on this first ever morning of the new year...

I found this poem by RMR tonight.

-----------------------------------------

Dove that ventured outside,        flying far from the dovecote:
housed and protected again,     one with the day, the night,
knows what serenity is,              for she has felt her wings
pass through all distance and fear       in the course of her wanderings.

The doves that remained at home,     never exposed to loss,
innocent and secure,               cannot know tenderness;
only the won-back heart              can ever be satisfied: free,
through all it has given up,                to rejoice in its mastery.

Being arches itself                 over the vast abyss.
Ah the ball that we dared,     that we hurled into infinite space,
Doesn’t it fill our hands            differently with its return:
heavier by the weight             of where it has been.

Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926)

Source: Ahead of All Parting: The Selected Poetry and Prose of Rainer Maria Rilke (Modern Library) (English & German Edition)

     Serenity was foremost on my list of wishes for this new year.

   

Why, when I was wandering around the grounds very early on this first day of the new year, I had a lot on my mind.  Why was I here? Could I really last as long as I need to in this...hmm, very quiet place? :-p

After a relatively "sedate" new year's celebration, I didn't get the mangled extremities or blown off fingers that I was picturing in my head (the three maulings don't count), I was starting to feel a little lonely.

I remember how exciting it was to work with a whole team of people...and to have a full ER in a tertiary hospital, ready with everything you will ever need. Surely, it was the rush I was after, the adrenaline surge in your bloodstream upon seeing (or even anticipating) all that damage, and knowing you can do something about it.

So maybe I'm exaggerating the situation a bit (because lately, that hasn't been the case in hospital ER's), but you get the picture. It's always fun when  the numbers are bigger, and everyone's getting into the act.

And so, while walking around, breathing the fresh air, and just, well, thinking, I realized how much I've missed "tertiary life", how much I missed my friends from school and how much I've been pausing to think lately.

The past year was quite a ride, you know. Like I've said before, it was a rollercoaster ride, with it's impossibly high crests, but also seriously low lows... I didn't think i was going to hit the ground running, after all that I've had to deal with in the past few months. Perhaps I decided to do this to "pace myself" because I had a bigger goal in mind, eventually. I could have joined the bandwagon and gone into residency training immediately, but it didn't feel right to do so yet, and besides, I wanted to earn some spending money for really important things.

My current job offers a feeling of serenity, one that I haven't had for a while now, so while I'm putting all the pieces together and saving up for something, I think I need to stick to what I had planned to, in the first place.

Besides, I believe that what everything always works out in the end. To a certain extent, knowing that I'm not settling yet on this job (It's not a "forever" job) gives me the confidence to stick it out because I know that there'll be something else in store (It keeps the occasionally tedious monotony to a minimum,admittedly).

We'll see what happens in the next few weeks. I had promised a year of adventure, learning, change...and well, maybe less drama. :-p

Happy New Year.

May you find your serenity too.