Piece of Me (July)

I Like: that there will be changes happening in the next few months...it'll be a time for regrowth, discovery, and maybe even new trepidations. I look at it from the point of view of someone who has not much to lose...and a whole lot to gain.

I like silence, and the fact that it helps people think. Songs playing in the background brings memories and distracts people from finishing their tasks.

I like that my cousin put up her router here in the living room, so while we do the vigil, we can still write about things...well, at least for me, anyway. I'm blogging again, after a long hiatus. So many things have happened in the past two weeks, I just didn't have the time to just sit down and say what I feel.

I was working on the 10th of July, at the hospital when my cousin Chris called me up on the phone to tell me (in such a serious tone) that Lolo had indeed died a few minutes before. It was six in the morning, and upon checking the phone, I somehow realized that maybe it was going to be bad news. When I left last Friday, he was  in the ICU and weaker, but I thought he was still going to be around when I got home from work.

The last time I saw my grandfather, it was 8 in the morning, and I was telling him that I had to go early 'cause I had to catch the bus to work...he smiled and waved goodbye. "I'll see you Sunday, ok?" I said while leaving.

It turns out, that was the last time I'd ever see him alive. Chris told me that he had died quietly, no fuss, no rough CPR. It was just as well...

I lost a patient that morning too...and I cried for both. I couldn't help it. It was an intense sadness, a profound loss that I could understand was crippling if i didn't deal with it. Talking it out with a friend helped. I didn't need to be comforted, it was more of a feeling to share, a need to sort out how i felt...and to remember my grandfather. I didn't have any family around that time (work does that)...the tears would come later.

(I liked having that friend around, even if it was an incidental thing.)

I don't like: Having to say goodbye.

I want you to know: That I might need to take a tab of Valium in a few hours to stay calm (and keep some handy for Lola.)

I plan: to sing my solo as best as my emotions would allow.

I want to say to someone special: Life just won't be the same without you, Lolo. We'll miss you.