Monday, May 30, 2011

The Fear you won't fall (Joshua Radin)

red and lazy. Manila, Philippines. May 30, 2011. Photo by: S.

I wake up a lot earlier than I used to, these days. Almost an hour earlier than when I had set "Do You Remember" to play. <-- I usually need a loud, upbeat picker-upper of a song to really jar my senses in the mornings. But now, it's like clockwork.

Which is pretty good. I have a big exam coming up in a couple of weeks...the one and only exam that'll say if we'll get to advance to the next level of training. It's kind of daunting, as we'll only have 100 items (or so I heard) of "anything-under-the-Psychiatric-Sun" multiple choice questions to prove our worth, a teeny-tiny margin of error, so to speak.

Still, it was one of those mornings...

I pretty much had had enough of dopamine-receptor antagonists, and to relax, I put my music player on, and looked through the files. After a cursory glance, I decided on something light and low, a Grey's Anatomy soundtrack song called, "The Fear You Won't Fall", by Joshua Radin.

The sun was coming up, red and lazy on the horizon. I leaned back in my chair...rubbing my bare arms, as it was a little chilly that morning. It was a good made me feel like closing my eyes, and reminiscing about times gone by, and pleasant memories.

Ah, songs...

When I was younger, there was a boy I knew who called me really early one morning... It was still dark out, and I was still asleep...and I woke up with a start, because the song I used then as a ringtone was party music.  "What the..?" I went.

It was a boy (who was not just any boy to me then).

I didn't know whether I should be pleased or annoyed about it, but I do remember thinking, ‘Doesn’t this guy have someone else to bother at this late hour??” a little huffily. He called me again after I asked him to, because I didn’t pick up the first time, and I wanted to know why.

He did. We talked a little while, and then he said goodnight. My eyebrows were gradually disentangling themselves from the knot I had put them in in the middle of my forehead in my earlier annoyance. Spreading apart, going back to normal…

:-) And I remembered that I felt something jump inside my chest, a little flippety-flop of the heart that I allowed myself to feel. Hearing his voice, that familiar, always recognizable voice made me smile. And then I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

When I woke up again, it was to a morning like this one; calm, slightly chilly, and full of promise.

I love mornings. I always did. There was something about the beginning of a new day that makes me feel good, that I was given a brand new blank piece of paper to write another story on. And that, possibilities are endless, and any potential good thing was going to happen…

However, I don’t put too much stock on giving things meaning anymore. Ah, the frivolities of youth… perhaps, all it was was a phone call. I would have wanted it to mean something, that phone call, but thinking back now, I know I shouldn’t have been too hasty to think it meant something.

Because not everything does.

Life lesson number 649.



 P.S. rereading this piece made me go, "Ick.I'm so corny."

I'm so corny, it sux. i hate it.

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