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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Castration

July 31st, 2012. While sitting at the chief resident's table, working on my grand rounds...



The blank sheet of paper…or the blank screen is always intimidating.

Starting something is the most difficult thing for me to do whenever it comes to writing. Of course, I love the freedom but the immensity of the responsibility terrorizes me no end.

A few days ago, I sat at the table, not moving a muscle, not budging an inch in the writing of the all-important protocol. I didn’t need an inspiration, nor a reprieve…I just needed to start the damn thing.

L

I suppose the struggle to eke out a respectable piece of work has been hounding me these past few weeks. Someone important to me had commented in a way that made me feel castrated…my literary “balls” have been literally neutered. It’s easy to say that it’s not that hard to prepare a protocol, (i.e. “how hard can it be?”), but to be perfectly honest, I’m having a hard time gathering my bearings again after having been given such “constructive” criticism.

It reminded me of what my mentor had to say one time, while we were having one of our mentoring sessions, “You shouldn’t be willing to learn, but it is your responsibility to learn.”

So there.

Sporadic as they are, I happen to enjoy these mentoring sessions very much…my mentor always has the best answers to life’s questions, training included.  One time, while preparing for my oral exams, I had approached him, to ask for his advice. What followed was Socratic-themed lesson that lasted almost an hour, but ended up with him summarizing the day’s lessons in just a short sentence. And I was like, “Oh…..” J

He said I wasn’t comfortable with silences…and that I should learn to listen more.

“Listen to the patient…that way, you can observe which areas of the grey matter are working, you’ll see what defenses he or she is putting into play, and you’ll see how he deals with his environment.”

(All this, I had blathered on about for the good part of an hour.)
I love my mentor, really, he has helped me a lot. I’d like to say that he was my go-to person for life and career advice… J

So anyway, regarding the major “stops and starts” in my work, I have realized that I cannot afford the luxury. My Procrastination has gone on long enough…and I can’t let it ruin my life/career/relationships any further.

I realize that I may have allowed myself to be too affected by what one supervisor said to me and it has seriously hampered my chances for grand rounds success. ß How come I feel so inept these days?
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Procrastination is almost all about fear…the fear that you won’t be able to do something perfectly; the fear that you will fail.

From the looks of it, if I don’t get to finish my work tonight, I might as well be packing my bags to 
go back home and…plant camote.

One of my coresidents tell me that fear is a good motivator…well, it sure isn’t working for me. We do not learn because we fear, I think we learn because we respect the circumstances, we do so because we want to.

(And hence, with these words, I’d like to end my thoroughly windy pampering of my “castrated” writer’s ego, and get busy. )

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Oh, do wish me luck.
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And guess what, I’m presenting a case of panic disorder…because well, I don’t seem to have any. :-p

*wry laugh*

Love,

S.

1 comment:

  1. Nah, maybe you just like living dangerously. Hahaha

    ReplyDelete

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