"What it feels like for a girl"

I like Sarah Meier. 

She's gorgeous and beautiful, she's smart, she's got personality and class, and she's always vocal. Articulate and well-read, she seems to be on top of everything, and always has her own voice. 

She's also the same age as I am. Born August 17, 1981, we're just days apart in age (I'm a Friday the 13th girl).

:-) Before you go thinking that I've christened myself as fashion model material because of our similarities in age, I beg to differ. :-) Something she wrote about struck a chord, and it inspired to write a birthday blog entry, which I have been putting off for days.

 (I've been busy doing "birthday" and "me" stuff, it seems.. )\

She wrote about how, we each had God-given gifts, and it was essential that we find out what they were and do something about it. She was good in writing (and talking), she said, and while it may not necessarily be Pulitzer-prize winning, it certainly was a voice. She was a voice of her generation, and she needed to be heard.

She's pretty accomplished, that Sarah. She's "been there, and done that", she said, and has come out scarred in some places, but has healed and bounces back good as new everytime. Or better. I admire her spirit and candor. 

They did an interview with her one time and she put it up on her tumblr blog which i got to read (i don't have the link as of now). It was brief, and just in bullet points of certain things she was involved in and how she felt about her new roles in life and what she was currently doing.

:-) I liked the format. and I loved her style. So, in partial emulation of Ms. Meier,in a theme i have adopted, i present you with my birthday blog entry. :-)

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Birthday rituals? 

I have this thing that I try to do in secret each year. When everyone's asleep, and it's almost midnight (the first minute of every 13th of August), quietly as I can, I light a candle, stuff my pockets with money (LOL, and I do mean more coins that cash) and jump as high as I can, and do some stretches. And then I breathe a little prayer of thanks. :-) 

The jumping is supposed to make me grow taller, something i learned from New Year's day superstitions, which stuck on me. At 29, i don't think i'll still be growing any more new inches vertically, though. 

 After that, I wait for any "midnight greeters", people who say happy birthday at the stroke of midnight. :) This year, my cousin Dexter was first. :-p It doesn't really matter, because every new one excites me and gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, to be remembered. After that, I usually fall asleep a little past midnight. (And then there'd be more surprises in the morning.)

Favorite things about getting a year older each time? 

I reckon it's a given to expect less presents as you get older. The brighter side of it is, you have a job that allows you to get yourself presents anyway. I still get a kick out of seeing something that I like in a store (if within a reasonable price range, of course) and just reaching into my purse or wallet and knowing that I can pay for it. Or, occasionally, going shopping with my mother and saying, "You want that? Here...(I hand her money.)"  LOL. Something like that.

Also, I took a long look at myself earlier in the mirror...i was in a tube top (underwear), denim jeans, in my bare feet, not wearing any makeup,my hair in all its wavy messiness, untied from the scrunchy i usually put it in. My hair was pretty new, but i kind of liked how it still had a bit of a wave even though the [artificial] curls from a year ago had all been chopped off. It was just the length i'd wanted (something I'd imagined when I was still 7 years old, in a perennial bob cut at ear level). Oh, and I'd shed the pimples that had plagued me in high school and college. And I could do the booty dance and be able to laugh to myself about it (although a bigger butt would be nicer.LOL). 

Growing a year older also means that you get to be more comfortable with yourself. I like that.

Ever fallen in love?

Yes I have. X number of times. :-) I suppose, just because I wasn't with anybody right now (and have been single for a while), some people would think that I never been in love or am too "career-oriented" to notice men. :-p That's not true at all. I DO notice men. a lot. LOL.

I guess I'm just "selective", and don't really fall so easily. And, maybe, if I don't... I won't, ever? :-p 

Many times , I've mused that falling in love was like finding the perfect pair of shoes. Lots of beautiful ones around, but you'll only get the one that "grabs" you, the one you feel you can't live without...with it, everything just "feels right" (and looks great with everything, if i might add).

Maybe I haven't really fallen as deeply as I should, because I never thought to put my dreams second, never to do something out of character for me for someone I was with. Like, be persuaded to move to a place just to be together. My priorities (and family) always came first. Selfishness, in a way...

Yet, I have to say, there was one time when I felt something, while looking deep into someone's eyes, and then realizing to myself, "Oh my gosh, I think I'd suffer through anything just to be with you..."But then I looked away, because it seemed pretty daunting a thought, and I suddenly felt so small and insignificant and that I wasn't good enough for the guy. (I'm chicken like that. )And so that moment came to pass... 

So, in the love department, this lady doctor's clinic door sign should read "waiting to be swept off her feet."

Ever had your heart broken? 

Yes. It wasn't pleasant at all an experience. I suppose, if I hadn't adopted the defense mechanism of "introjection", i would've dealt with it faster. (Yet people learn by experience.). At a certain stage, I do remember crying at night before I slept, praying that the hurt would go away...but then drying my tears and splashing my face right afterwards so that I wouldn't show up at work in the morning with puffy eyelids.

(Vanity, even in the midst of heartbreak. LOL. :-p)

But it's true, time heals all wounds, almost as equally as improvised "Critical Stress Incidence Debriefing" (CSID) (in Psychiatry) does (i.e. jabbering nonstop to close friends who have no choice but to listen to you). Still, it is a harrowing experience, and sometimes I wonder if getting all giddy again and being all Happy is worth the "crash" of a heartbreak.

( I'm scared shitless sometimes, really. And it's a very humbling experience.)

Name 3 favorite things.

1. Dean, my laptop. 

2. Financial independence. 

3. The freedom to choose my destiny. :-)

Best thing about your job?

It's never boring, and I love the satisfaction I get from doing the work that I do. It's tangible (especially the chubby, cute little kids and delivering babies), it's noble, and knowing that I have affected some person's life in a major way (that's good) always gives me a pleasurable high. 

On my birthday, I delivered a woman's baby, and I joked to her that the baby was going to be a lucky charm (and was going to be good-looking, haha) because it was Friday the 13th, AND it was MY birthday. 

There are downsides, of course. The government's system of running things is frustrating at times, and there will always be a lack in something or other (i.e.The thing about "non-hospital-based" ambulances will always get my goat.)

Yet, in my own way, i feel that I have given back my bit of service for my government-subsidized medical education. In those parts, not much was to be had, and I wanted to do my part and contribute. I mean, there may not be a lot of things happening, but at least I gave the best of what I could do.  

(*Bow!*)

No, seriously... :-)

What do you feel about failure? success? 

I'm not a big fan of failure. There was one time that I've failed because of stupidity (or, in my case, "gaga-ness") and I don't ever want to go through it again.  Success is great, and it always motivates. I don't feel as if I've totally accomplished what I really need to, though, so until then, it's still about work and  doing what you love to do.

What's your five-year plan?

I'm not at liberty to say... and besides, I always thought it was like a wish thing. If you tell people what your wish is, you'll jinx it. :-) 

Pet peeve?

Being asked when I was going to get married...because "everybody's supposed to be married at 25", etc etc. Perhaps I am in denial, but so far, I don't think I look old, and if I were going to get married, it would be because I wanted to (and not because I was 30 years old.) :-) I've talked about it so many times, it must sound like a broken record now, my apologies. :-) 

NO regrets?

Well, there are some. Like, losing a friend because of something I said (was made to say, actually), which I shouldn't have (and I so want to take it back). Or, taking my time when I shouldn't have had. Or just being plain careless on certain occasions...

Yet, despite all my shortcomings, things always have a way of coming together. The universe rights itself in different ways, and eventually, I end up in a state of being just thankful for having gone through different things. I have to learn everyday to tone down my impulsive tendencies, which have been better done as I've grown older, I reckon. 

So, lately, before I do anything of major importance, I make certain I have thought long and hard about it. Likewise, if I do say something of major importance, I make sure I really mean it. 

Bad/Worst habit?

The last-minute madness. Argh. Oh, and the fact that I can be stubborn. :-p

Future plans?

I love learning, and being on my toes so I don't get complacent. So, for now, I'm on continuing medical education mode. I have an exam later, and it's giving me the heebie-jeebies!

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The word "exam" is as good a wake-up call as any, which is why I have to wrap up this "interview with myself". :-p I don't want to seem pretentious and all-important (i.e. pompous) for doing this entry...I have a feeling I'd want to check this out in a year and see how I'll fare. :-)

Thanks for reading all the way down here to this point. You've been a great audience. ;-)

love,

S. 

P.S. The title is "What it feels like for a girl", with an emphasis on girl, because I figured I wouldn't have the gall to call myself a girl next year when I'm 30, haha. I'll be a...woman (of the world) by then? ;-)