Pre-Grand Rounds

A friend of mine took this picture of me waiting for the elevators earlier tonight.

She told me I looked really skinny in it.

I wasn't pleased. Being this skinny meant I wasn't eating right, and I wasn't getting enough sleep.  And lately, I've been feeling like I've been under this burden of...not knowing. I'm doing a paper on first episode psychosis and presenting...how bad can it be?

It's all going to happen on Friday, and normally I like it when I do the work with the looming deadline,  but for the life of me, I can't seem to get much pep. I've done the first part, and submitted it, and now I have to do the harder second part, which should be done by Tuesday.

I feel so pressured...I don't even know what to do with myself. I just don't want to survive, i want to do better than I expect, Mental Health IS my big advocacy, after all.

:-( I'm doing this for a higher purpose, but sometimes I just keep forgetting the original zeal that I had, because I keep getting waylaid. Sometimes I have doubts, and I fear I will freeze up...and then talk a hundred miles a minute (which I usually do when I'm nervous).

(Personal problems, or little what nots in my personal life, little papers I have to write, little things I have to take care of will have to be put on hold. For the next few days, nothing should be of higher importance. :-( )

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Hey, a nice thing happened to me at work yesterday... I think I made my patient's home life better from now on because a little family tweaking I did. :-) Oh, and some other work-related thing happened to that I feel like patting myself in the back for. Two families will hopefully have better ways to deal with their respective "situations" from now on. That's good enough for me. :-)

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I went to Mass today by myself...my friend Loreen and her family were at the Physician's Oath-taking ceremonies, and although she invited me, I had to beg off. I had a lot of work to do. So I pretty much had the afternoon to myself. Work work work was on my mind. and then other things.

The homily was about forgiveness. Forgiving those who hurt us. The priest, funnily enough, used pop culture and incorporated the "3 Unforgivable Curses" in Harry Potter and I was like, "LOL. Say what?"

ok, so it was Cruciatus, Aveda Kedavra, and Imperio. Imperio made someone go against his or her will, Cruciatus tortured someone and Aveda Kedavra caused instant death...which was why it was so unforgivable.

So anyway, mostly, he tallked about forgiveness in light of the 9/11 bombing that happened 10 years ago, and how we should learn to forgive people... The sooner we forgive people, the sooner can healing start.

Maybe...but it takes time, either way. Forgive yes, but the hurt won't disappear overnight. We usually should be given the chance to wallow in it for a little while until we get so fed up with wallowing in it that we tend to not wallow anymore. Heart breaks included. It'll take some time to just feel sorry for yourself thinking that you're such a loser no one wants you on their team, if I do say so metaphorical. I suppose it is necessary for one to go around feeling Olats so that one knows what not to do the next time things like that happen.

(And yes, I am speaking in metaphors and similes, because like my patient's own life stories, I can't divulge too much of mine. Suffice to say, though, we all have our weaknesses, and on some days, metaphors and similes may be the only thing that stand between total catharsis AND total embarrassment.)

I rest my case...

Good night, and happy Sunday!

Love,

S.