So what if it hurts me?

      Having drunk a mug of coffee a few hours before going to bed,I was up and about again. I had just gotten off the phone with a good friend of mine, and although that would usually cap my day, it was cut short...

     My heart was beating a pitter-patter race (I hope it was coffeine-induced, because I only drink one to none a day, whereas before, I'd be drinking up to 4 cups a day.)... :-p

    Coffee keeps you up at the most inconvenient times, and since I wasn't one to just wait (tossing and turning) until sleep comes while I had thoughts in my mind, I decided to go downstairs to find something to do.

This was the first video I saw when I turned the TV on...

     Leona Lewis is a beauty, and although her songs sound pretty much alike (i.e. Bleeding Love, Only in Time (?)) were pretty "timely" when they came out, I thought, what the heck, I might as well watch this...    

It has a theme-y type of beat to it...something that you could easily adapt to your life. (LOL...here I go again.) Boom Boom...it goes, like the beat of your heart, you could almost say she was singing that song for you. "Go girl," she's saying, it seems..

Anyway, I saved you all the trouble and got the lyrics embedded here too.

- Leona Lewis Lyrics 

The video starts innocently enough...there were the makings of a romantic match...touchy-feely guy, body language, the looks, the parties, the nights-out, oh the even the "Scooch over, I don't want to get caught in the rain, can I take up more of your personal space than is really necessary?" scenes... :-p There was even a family dinner involved. The guy was practically a regular at the Lewis household...

There's a scene there where he got closer and held her hand, but since she drew it away, it seemed that she didn't want to...she was scared. (That pretty much sealed the deal...or, broke it.)

And so began the wistful looks, the regret, the preludes to loneliness...we see her touching old wedding pictures. It was paradoxical how, the song was all about "going for it",  and seizing the day, going after what would really make you happy, so you would have no regrets later, because, as we all know, there is no such thing as taking back a day, no such thing as undoing something that's already been done.  The visuals showed a girl who clearly liked a beautiful, perfectly right boy (who clearly liked her back too), but didn't do anything about it... only to be the one on the sidelines, pretending to be happy for this same beautiful boy, forever losing that something that would have been great with him.

I think that left a more enduring image...a more powerful one.

A wake-up call, that, if you really wanted to be happy, you really had to get up on your own two feet and do something about it.

So what if it hurts you in the end? What if you get lost and confused in the process? At least, you knew. You didn't let your life pass you by...

It's not just about love, I suppose, it's about life in general, the victor is the one who got bloodied and hurt, but tried, and definitely not the spectator up in the stands...

...nor the pretty bridesmaid who could have been the bride.

-------

Of course, one doesn't always get what he/she wants, but making the choice of going through the confusion (and maybe pain) of making a choice and sticking to it makes all the difference. We live and learn. Standing by is not living... it's just being, hmm...there, and you won't have anything to show for it anyway.

(And yes, it might be embarrassing to talk about later, but what the heck, it'll be a story of your own to tell.)

-------
Edit: Rereading this entry a few hours later has made me realize how seemingly ruthless it makes me sound...as if I would go after anything (or anyone) without any trepidation. That's not it, the "moral of this story" is that if there something you want, you shouldn't just let it go easily, with every "battle" being fought at the right place and time, for the right reasons.

New Moon... and the friend and lover archetypes

             Since I was in Cebu for a couple of days, I decided to catch the much-hyped “New Moon” installation of the Twilight saga in Ayala.  It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and because my father went with me, I could very well say that my chances of dating a cute guy, or any of my Cebu-based friends for that matter for the day’s Last Full Show were zilch, nada.

            So, with father in tow, I went over to Ayala and got our tickets. Pops was asking why so many people were into watching this movie (he would eventually ask me repeatedly what the fuss was all about in-between periods of “sleep and wakefulness”. Haha.)

            I spotted my grade-school classmate Farah (Farah-noid, :-p) who yelled out to me, “Steph!” while we were going up the ramp into the theater (or rather, she spotted me.).”Eeek!,” I went, “You’re here!” And we hugged. It was a good thing I got to see her, she said she was moving to the States with her husband Galen very soon, for good. “I’m rooting for Team Jacob,” she told me.

            I just grinned, and then went, “We’ll see…” Honestly, I didn’t really have any picks. I went to see the film because I was curious, and not because I was swooning over RPattz’ romantic lines, nor fawning over Jacob’s fine, fine muscles. Yet.

            Book = Movie. They stayed true to form in their adaptation, I believe.  All the fans knew what was going to happen so it was pretty predictable. Of course Edward was going to say those lines from Romeo and Juliet perfectly and to the letter and of course Jacob was going to just spring out on screen, transformed from being Jake, a gangly (sort of) 16 year-old to being Jacob, the hot Man-Wolf in all his ripped perfection. *drool*

            Like in the book (New Moon is the 2^nd book in a set of 4 in the Twilight Saga), Jacob becomes Bella’s best friend/therapist/mechanic/co-thrill seeker after Edward gives her the [very] harsh, “You’re not good for me,” which of course, plunged her into months of uncertainty, melancholy and listlessness. [ Seriously now, why can’t “dumpers” give the real reason to the “dumpees” when they want to break things off? Having thought about that, though, saying “ Hey Bella, I’m afraid my vampire brother (or family, for that matter) would rip your throat open to feed on you, so I’m going to run off to Pompeii to brood, but I’ll certainly be spying on you from time to time, don’t worry... ” isn’t really going to help the story along, right?

            Right.:-p

            So anyway, Jacob and Bella go through the veritable cha-cha of dating and relating… i.e. He comforts her, makes her laugh, shows her around, protects her from Laurent, the vampire in dreads, watches a crappy B movie with her (i.e. Face Punch), [superhumanly] tries to kiss her (but in vain)…and in the end still gets the slap in the face when she finally tells him, “I love you, you’re my best friend…” (OUCH.) And to top it all off, there was the unforgiving, “It has always been him…”

            No wonder he went running around the great United States and all the way to Canada besides, after that. (Other guys would probably drown their sorrows in voluminous amounts of beer and liquor, but that’s probably ‘cause they don’t have the wolf genes and have the power to break the speed limit running for days at a time. :-p)

            Poor Jacob…just because you’re a great guy with a hot bod doesn’t mean you’re going to get the girl in the end. Girls are complicated creatures most times… Although Bella wasn’t entirely so, she just had a one-track mind. If she were a CD, she’d be playing “EDWARD” tracks all day long. With those blinders on, the ripples of your pecs and abs are not going to sway her so easily.

            Edward, on the other hand, capitalized on the fact that he was a 109-year-old tall, pale, handsome ladies man with a lot of dough…who was going to be around forever. Women like that kind of security, I suppose. (LOL). Let’s face it, he knew all the right things to say, read all the right books, drove all the right cars, heck, he evens spoke all the right languages (AND knew Shakespeare besides!). His downside was that he was a brooding, moody, overprotective boyfriend who thought that everything needed to be done in extremes.

            I mean, “You’re not good for me.” – what gives? Surely there must be a better, more ego-syntonic reason than that, Mr. Vampire Guy…with the beautiful eyes, full lips, razor sharp cheekbones…Er, right. Moving on…

            I think the real question is, who would Bella (or any woman in general) want to be with eventually…Jacob, the hot (literally) Wolf-Boy, or Edward, the handsome pensive Vampire Man?

            Which once again brings us to the age-old question, “Who would you marry…a lover, or a friend?”

            Of course, with Friend = Jacob and Lover = Edward.

            (Mind you, the last scene of New Moon was that of Edward saying the words, “Marry Me” to Bella. There was a collective gasp in the audience and then the lights came back on (after which, of course, my father got up and declared that it was a crappy movie all along. Haha))

            ---------

            On a side note, I’ll tell you who Bella (a.k.a. “Everywoman”) will pick… it’ll be Mr. Lover-slash-Mr.Vampire-Man-slash Mr. Perfect, ‘cause that’s what the books are going to say (In case you haven’t read it yet, I’m sorry for spoiling the surprise, but in case you have, you’ll know that everything will end up happily ever after (i.e. they have a cute little vampire baby, a snazzy house-and-lot set-up, a great sex life, and eternity to keep the number of Mountain Lions/Bears/Caribou down to a sound level to protect the delicate North American ecosystem.

            The end.

            ---------

            This entry was inspired by Farah, who asked me which team I was rooting for, Ron, who asked me why girls were so into Edward, when he was so pale and skinny, and D., who said that he’d pick the lover, because they’d be friends later, anyway. :-p.

            --------

            Go Team Carlisle ! ( I’m rooting for the Doctor Guy.) :-p

            Haha.

~ S.

           

Video: "To Love Somebody"

Nina Simone's currently on my playlist...I downloaded an album one time. "To love somebody" is one of my favorite songs, but her version's a better one than the original done by the BeeGees.... :-) She sounds like Tracy Chapman, but she has a more interesting lifestory. :-)

In her later years, she was diagnosed with a Bipolar Disorder, which she struggled with and reluctantly took meds for. (People who achieve greatness always have had to grapple with an internal conflict at one point or another in their lives, I always say.)

Her concerts were supposed to be "not just performances, but events". I would have loved to have sat in one. :-)

Pic: Sunset

Not quite sunset. View of the almost-sunset from a boat leaving Negros Island at 4:10pm. November 23,2009. Photo by: S.

(The shafts of light were amazingly pleasing..).

Work update...

Applying for work in the government requires a lot of patience...

I've just finished writing (painstakingly), by hand 4 batches of pre-employment Human Resources paperwork. My fingers are sore, but i'm not complaining. I'm on my way to starting a new job, working for the government. ;-)

It's a hospital resident post, and for 2 shifts a week, I'll be getting around, by a fair estimate, maybe twice what I'd be getting if I were training already..

I've decided to postpone training for the 2010 academic year for personal reasons...It was hard to decide at first, because I've been given a lot of helpful (and sometimes confusing too) advice left and right. Everyone who gave me their two cents meant well, but I've always believed that I can only listen to advice enough to get other people's points of view, but in the end, when it really came down to it, the final call will be mine. I've always gone with my instincts in recent years, and ended up happier.

(Or if not happier, at least, felt better that I was in control of the situation anyway.)

Regrets, if any, will be fine, 'cause I'll be bearing the consequences of my decision anyway. If things don't work out, I'll only have myself to berate for it...(God forbid I'll be doing much "self-flagellation" soon, of course.)

I told my grandmother's urologist, who is a trusted mentor, that I was planning to work first and then save up so I can apply at a certain hospital (no names as of yet, cause I don't want to preemptively jinx my chances) by August. He said it was a good plan, and I should keep studying too...because that was the only way to stay ahead.

A month ago, I was in Iloilo to pick up some documents and I was able to talk to one of my teachers, another dear mentor who I looked up to (and still do). He gave me "insider's info" on hospitals to train in for my specialty choice. It was very enlightening, you know. Believe me, it's different to hear things from someone who's really "in-the-know" as opposed to someone who was just a casual observer, or who just heard so and so info.

He wrote me a "glowing" recommendation letter, I've been told, but I have yet to collect...and write a thank you note.

----

We'll see what happens next. wish me luck. (It's a big responsibility.)

I'm starting on the first of next month. :-)

Video: "The Search Is Over"

I can't get this tune out of my head. haalp! (and yes, Arnel Pineda's version is better than the original Survivor lead man. and I'm not saying that just 'cause I'm Filipino). :-)

Video: "Breathe"

It just sounds really nice. and calming.

Happy Birthday, Nate!

Nathan Anthony "Nate" Diputado Bulahan, 4, loves riding a bike and the color orange. :-)

Happy Birthday, Natey!

Video: "Man in the Mirror"

A friend of mine had me listen to this over the phone...it's one of my favorite songs ever...

I'm a big MJ fan, but this makes for a pretty good tribute cover.

I love it all the same.:-)

Video: "Sleeping While The World's Awake"

I saw this video on TV this morning... I love the creative process. So true.

Inspiration is to be had in the most unlikely of places and faces.

A Dumaguete Afternoon

Photo-op with my cousins at the Boulevard, November 2009.

We were at the boulevard one afternoon, and the beautiful golden light reminded me of something I read in "The Journeyer" (Gary Jennings, 1984). Such beautiful sentences...

" That day was one of [Venice's] best sort of days. The sun was shining, but its light lay on the city in a manner more diffused that sharp-edged. There was no sea mist or land haze, for the sunlight was by no means diminished. Rather, the sun seemed to shine not in direct beams, but with a more subtle luminosity, the way candles glow when they are set in a many-crystalled chandelier....as if pearls had been crushed and powdered  - pearl-colored pearls and the pale pink ones and the pale blue  -and that powder ground so fine that its particles hung in the air, not dimming the light but making it more lustrous yet soft at the same time. And the light came from other places than the sky alone... That day had a gentling bloom on it like the bloom on a peach." 

Dumaguete afternoons are one of a kind. :-)

The Million Dollar Answer

I'm currently doing an "L for Laban" sign with my left hand...I''ve been holding this position for a while now.

It's not because I'm a Cory admirer (which I am), nor am I a NoyNoy supporter (which I will be), it is for the simple reason that I burnt my fingers wile trying to cook something for lunch this noon time.

Actually, I picked up the cover of a pot I put on the stove to boil the contents of, before I realized that it was going to be hot and I would burn my fingers in the process. There is, a few seconds of invulnerability when you don't feel pain yet, and then the sinking feeling creeps in and you know that you've already done some damage.

(Oh the pain!)

It is a biting, burning, very unpleasant sensation that can only be relieved by hurriedly plunging your fingers and hand in a basin of ice-cold water, or maybe slathering on some anti-burn aloe vera gel ...or my personal favorite (and you're lucky if you have it on hand) you could get your cute, caring boyfriend to press it to his cool, soft lips and have him kiss the "Owwie"  away. Oh yes, that would definitely do the trick.

 

But what was I doing in the kitchen that day, cooking something, you ask? (I don't cook.) Well, aside from the fact that it was lunchtime, and we needed something, ahem, edible, I was also being "proactive", and grabbing at every chance I could to learn how to cook.

To be twenty-eight years old and still floundering in the kitchen is not something I'm especially proud of. And besides, it's probably about time I learned to take care of things for myself and not be so dependent on Manang Edith nor my parents for the cooking. And yes, well, I have to admit, I've read several times that being a wiz in the kitchen was a big "draw" for the opposite sex.:-p

Admittedly, aside from my wanting "self-improvement", I may be subconsciously batting to increase my dating potential scorecard, to say traditionally. :-) 

It seems shallow, but it doesn't matter really, because there is nothing to be lost by making the effort and there is so much to be gained by doing so, right?

This wouldn't be the first time I've submitted myself to "feats" just to impress a guy...

I remember trying to learn how to write in Chinese...doing calligraphy, learning off a library book (it was excruciatingly confusing) and I had no idea whether I was doing it right or not. :-) Mandarin wasn't the only language I tried to learn, though. I also tried to squeeze in learning French during my busy PreMed schedule...going around with earphones, sounding off French phrases, because as the book and cd's promised, "IMMERSION" was the way to totally learn French.

Years after that, I can still speak in French, although it is mostly limited to a handful of words...and, ang walang kamatayang, "Je nes parlez pas Francais..." (essentially translated: "I don't speak French.")

Don't let me get started on the time I was into reading Soren Kierkegaard to *grins*. I'll draw the line at one thing, though. I am never, ever learning how to play basketball for any guy. Hell no.

However, despite all my foibles and forays into the world of pleasing/impressing the opposite sex, there are times when I can't help but relax and take a break, because the extra effort doesn't seem to matter to some. There was this one guy before that I asked, "So, you're saying that you still like me even if I can't cook, am shallow as hell, and will always speak my mind??" (I was surprised.)

Him: "Oo. What's not to like?"

And that, my dear friends, is probably the Million Dollar Answer, the Golden Ticket that every woman wants to hear, which may very well toughen my resolve to try cooking again another day...

...because today, my poor sore fingers are staying in iced water, unless of course, a specimen such as the aforementioned caring cutie would be so kind as to kiss my "owwie" away. 

haha.

have a nice day!

~ S.

My first real job

            My first real job as a doctor was a pretty simple one.

            The day after I swore an oath to "uphold the dignity of my profession" (and other promises), my aunt immediately had me working with her foundation, doing free consults.

            My target patient population was a group of women and children who lived in a small inner-city community in Cebu City. Her NGO is focused on the reproductive health of women and planning families and since I was a believer, I of course, said yes.

            Now, this wasn't my first experience with women and children, because when I did my post-graduate internship, we were assigned to a community health center for women and children which we visited weekly for free consults. You'd be surprised at how many things they suffered from, women and children, all almost related to the ravages of urban-living.

            Still, this was my first real job as a licensed doctor, or physician (as it sounds more official) and I was nervous as hell. My aunt called me and told me that they'd be using the downstairs office as my consultation center and proceeded with her program. Even though it was something really simple, I could not neglect the fact that there was also a chance that I could be wrong, and that I could also misdiagnose or worse, not know at all what was wrong with the patient.

            I chose to wear a simple white blouse. It was probably a good choice, because some time after someone I know told me that wearing white always conveyed a good effect on other people. He wore white during his med school entrance interview to convey a subliminal (but effective) message that he would look good as a doctor, that he was a fit candidate for acceptance. I thought that was fairly amusing...playing with the minds of others so you could get what you want, even if it was as simple as picking a color to have a desired effect.

            And so, I wore white, not too casual, not too formal, but definitely just official enough to let people take me too seriously. My heart was hammering in my chest when I introduced myself to the crowd as Dr. M____, saying a bit about myself and where I came from and what I was going to do that afternoon.

            One by one (or more appropriately, in groups, because some mothers had 2-3 kids that they wanted to have checked too), the patients were ushered into the consultation/examination room, and one by one, I listened and worked. I usually take time in talking to patients, because I like hearing a little more of their stories and their condition before I diagnose and prescribe.  Which is, probably not a good idea, of course, when you've got many of them...

            Anyway, I noticed that almost all, if not all of the patients had respiratory problems, there was cough, cough with fever, chronic runny noses, bronchitis, pneumonia, even one that I suspected had TB  (tuberculosis, which of course, is generally treatable, depending on what kind it is). Inner city communities had crowded conditions which allowed these diseases to flourish and propagate.

            It was a bit dismaying on my part to just offer a temporary solution to their ailments, because I knew that, if their living conditions and economics didn't change, I wouldn't be able to do much to change things from where I was. The next best thing I could do, as advised by my tita, was to advise them of the wealth of health services available to them.

Their health centers were relatively well-equipped and had free medicine available. And if there weren't, there were Botica ng Bayan outlets near them, accredited by the Department of Health.  Cheaper medicines were on hand, as well as free medical consultation services at their health centers.

            It was an eye-opening experience, and I’d love to have the opportunity to do something more in the future. Although I felt intimidated at first, and anxious because of the gravity of the responsibility, I gradually relaxed because I realized that these were cases I’d seen before, and the “jumpiness” was only because I was doing it on my own, and not depending on any senior officer anymore.

            Still, I wish there was more to be done.  

         

           

            

         

Happy Birthday, Donskie!

Donskie and I in Kindergarten (I was 5, and he was probably 4.)

(Photo by: ...A dude from the photo place they hired to take school pics back in the day.)

Dear Little Brother,

Happy Birthday.

I'll be here for you...even until you're old and gray and can't wipe your own ass.

hehe. kidding.

(No wait, I mean that.)

~ your Idol and Boss (hehe),

Manang

Happy 3rd Birthday, Kylie!

Kylie and the Bubbly Fun Time (Photo By: Emily Tagulo)

The "Immortal"

Keanu Reeves as an immortal...

This video has got to be one of the funniest ideas I've seen in a long time. lol...

It's very conspiracy theory-ish, alright, but very very funny.

A Letter from a Beloved

My Dearest, 

 "Times are hard, the road to visit me may be tough. You may not always get the best seats, nor the most comfortable rides..."

 

"...and when you finally do get there, you may be given a persuasive welcome. People will thrust their wax wares at you, coaxing you to buy them...please do, your candles are "prayers", and "remembrance"..."

 

 And, if they're not meeting people, they're usually camped out at a spot very conveniently at the edge of the cemetery... If you haven't yet gotten enough candles, get a little more..."

 

"Say a prayer for me..."

"Pray for yourself, your happiness, and mine..."

 

"I miss you, and you don't know how much..."

 "We'll light candles by the thousands, a testament of remembrance..."

 "This sea of graves, is really all about paying tribute to those who 

have come before you.."

 

"It has been years and you have never loved another..."

"Grant us a blessing..."

"You may get me a cute little flower in a pot.."

"...bring me a whole bunch

"Bring me flowers that'll stand up to the rains and harsh noontime sun..." 

"...or even break me off a stem."

 

"But what I'd really love are daisies and wildflowers...with bursts of  color..."

"Gather around, and talk of me, happily..."

 

"Take joy, be merry, and remember me..."
 

"Light me a candle for the many years that we were apart..."

"And, even if you grow up, on the brink of your successful new life..."

"...in the hustle and bustle of daily life, do not forget."

 

"I could very well end up lonely..."

"...or with the people I loved in my life then..."

" or maybe I would be with the one I promised to spend my life with..." 

 "Blue may be my favorite color..."
 

"And my headstone may read of amusing things..., some people can't help but laugh,"

"...that does not matter, what is important is you watch over me." 

 

"The trees are silent witnesses to decades of tears..."

 

"...and even though death may be the final curtain call..."

 "My love will be in the breeze, the trees, and the blooms that dot the  gravesides..."

 

"The candle boys are little, who have a big job...

 

 

They tell interesting innocent stories..." 

   'Eventually, it will be time to leave...and all that will be left for me will be the Guardian Moon..."

"...the candles will dwindle to almost nothing." 

  
"But thank you, for coming, and remembering..."

"Thank you for the love... "

 

Love, 

(your loved one's name)

--------------------------------------------------  

I was at the cemetery with my mother this afternoon, to attend the mass at the cemetery grounds and to light candles. I had my camera then and most of the time, I was taking pictures as we went around. I wanted to make a photo-essay when I got home, but I figured, it would be better to write from the perspective of a dead loved one, who would've written something like this, for when their family would visit them. (This may be my corniest post yet, but hey, I could almost be talking in my lola's voice here.)

The tradition fascinates me, and this annual event is something I try to attend when I can.For that single day, you treat and pray for dead family members and relatives, as well as friends like they were as tangible as you wanted them to. It's family day, a day to remember old loves.

I've been thinking, and I think that when I'd die, I'd prefer to be cremated. I told this to a friend of mine, who likened it to the Greek funeral pyres that honored heroes. :-) In my case, I don't want to be a hero...I just want to be more "mobile", able to go anywhere with the ones I left behind if they wanted me to, i.e. if my husband decided to go travel the world after I die, I'd be...handy. :-) haha. Seriously now, I'd probably convince my husband to get cremated, because, well, options are always good.

My Uncle Cris was cremated some years ago, and he's always a part of Tita Clar's personal effects when she goes travelling here to see us, or anywhere, for that matter. She misses him, but at least, he always with her. There is an element of unorthodoxy in that, since Catholics prefer burying their dead and giving a proper blessing, but I think, for my part, it would be more humane to undergo cremation. Donate viable organs, and THEN undergo cremation, if I chose to... well, that's from my point of view.:-)

What would yours be?

----------------- 

Oh, and I never make anything up when I blog. Everything I say is honestly accurate.I'm currently pro-cremation, by choice.:-)